Thank you to the Farmers!

So as I drove down highway 2 from Edmonton to Calgary, my mind wandered more than normal maybe because I could not play on my cell phone with the new laws (not a bad thing but different) but this time as I drove past the farms fields my mind thought of the HARD work that those farmers do for us, without them what would we eat?


I have spent a lot of time talking to a friend in Idaho who works on his father’s farm, I learned soooo much…I have more respect than ever before as I now know the long hours that go into that whole lifestyle and the hermit type lifestyle they must lead in order to get all the things done they need too, to make money and for us to have the food we need to live. I never knew how touchy farming was and how easy it would be to lose EVERYTHING. I learned that potatoes’ are so wonderful from Idaho because it is so cold at night and warms up so much in the day time, and that you should cut beans when the dew is low (otherwise you lose some beans)….and then you fork the ends to try and save what was missed when they were cut. And then difference between the round and square hay bales, all I can says is WOW….have you ever wondered why some of green wrap and some have white?? I have so I finally asked and well it is just wrapping to keep it dry---who would have known. Who would have known there was such a difference between the square and the round bales of hay? Round makes better hay, a round baler can be pulled with a smaller tractor, they are smaller and don’t smash your fields as much so you don’t lose as much, you can bale at a higher moisture with the round ones(makes sense more in Canada to me at least ;) ) The square ones…are easier to truck and stack, and faster to bale in the field. round ones are cheaper to make then square ones the cost blew me away…..the round ones are about $50,000 and the square ones about $160, 00(might be a little different in Canada but that was the guess of the US prices) this just really blows my mind away that is a heck of a lot of money, especially when you are not sure if you are going to make money in a year. The game you have to play in farming is very, very scary to me, the needing more land to make more money, but then needing newer equipment to keep up and the cost of that a crazy little circle you go in.

Who would have known these things…not this little Alberta girl who has NEVER left Canada….let alone been on a farm really….

All I can say is thank you to the people that put in the long hours and have a lack of social lives for us to be able to have food to eat, the work ethic has changed a ton in our society but even if you do the low end of farming you are still working harder than most these days but those that are doing that old style farming where you out more than you are in THANK YOU so much…..

i am going to add some more photos of my trip in a little bit

Sara's Needles

Sara had to get her 5 yr old needles before school.....so I had them weigh her and see how tall she is....

Sex Girl

Age 5 Year
Optimal Height 109 Cms Range (100 - 120 Cms) = Sara is: 103.5

Optimal Weight 18 Kg Range (14 - 25 Kg) = Sara is: 17.4 which is 38.5lbs! she put some weight on way to go Sara!

Our community outing.....we went bowling and West Edmonton Mall.....this kids had alot of fun!

Sara R- Dallin's Aid

Joshua Super excited!

the Final score-Little Sara is AWESOME

little Sara bowlling

Dallin bowling

Open Again!

I have decided to open my blog up again, I really still dont want some people reading it but at the same point why should I have to live in a box and hide my life.....I shouldnt have too....and so if the 1 person in the world I would prefer to not read this is reading I hope know....IT IS MY LIFE and I WILL LIVE IT HOW I WANT! This are my kids, their Father has a little to do with their life but the amount he has is his choice and not mine.

I was going to go back and delete my comments from when David left and I decided NOPE! it is what it is, he hurt me a TON when he left and that needs to be there I am not going to fake that I was okay with it all, I still hurt from it but I am trying my best to move forward and become a BETTER person through this all!

back to the blogging!
Christine

the BEST gift

It has been a crazy tough emotional week, I wish I could say it was going to get easier right away but I dont see that at all sadly, there is alot of postive things happening but emotionally still a TON of stuff. Today I came home to get the best gift ever.....

I love how the kids painted it.....Thank you to the Amazing Sara for helping the kids with this, it TRULY means alot to me. I love my kids and this year has been pretty rough but we have each other and that is the important thing.

a thought came to me....

Today a thought came to me.....I have tried to delete David alot from my life in the last bit, tried to take him out of most of my pictures on facebook and I went to start here and realized as hard as it is, he is ALWAYS going to be apart of my life, I cant delete all the pictures even if I really wanted too, the kids deserve to know who their father is even if it hurts me a ton. He is the father of my kids, he was a man I loved and I had to learn how to unlove him as hard as that was, the hard part for me is to move forward, my divorce is ALMOST done and as excited as I am, I am scared as HELL, I dont want my heart ever treated this way again.....I know I am not the easiest person to live with but I try, and ya my kids come first alot but there are only here for a short time and then they are gone......it is finding that balance in life it can be hard.....all I know sadly is the next person has to be willing to share me a little more than David would have had too....now I have to share myself with the person, my kids and their father! should be fun right?????

The Muttart Conservatory

Today we went with Dallin's aid to The Muttart Conservatory, the kids LOVE going there, it is only about 30mins maybe 45 mins if you push it, so we went for a walk after over the river, had some good laughs, I love my kids, I have not spent enough time saying that this year, the goal.....to change the out look on life...my kids are AMAZING! most of these pictures were taken by Sara or Joshua!

 

Sara's New Bed

In hope to get Sara to sleep in her own bed I got the Dora tent......As I could not do her sleeping in my bed anymore, sharing my room is enough some days but my bed was getting to be to much so here we go!

Dallin got Baptized!

I was not sure this day would ever come but his AMAZING primary teacher worked hard with him and I am so proud of him. Nothing can explain the words I feel about this moment...I am proud of Dallin, I am happy he made the choice to do this.

I will attach some pictures when I get them, as I got there and my camera had no batteries in it....I love my kids ;) but thank you to all those who made that day amazing for our family....

a bitter sweet moment

A bitter sweet moment....on July 30th David was served his divorce papers, I really struggled with who I was going to ask to serve him as it was such a private person thing...and even though he knew this day would come, he had no idea other than a few hours before that he was going to be served. He was served by my maid of honor from my wedding....thanks for still being the support...but it hit me huge after this person help with our wedding (even though she at first was not a fan of me...) and she helped in a away end the marriage too with the finial papers, I am eternally grateful she was willing to help me.
I really thought it would be aloft easier than it was.....and then I spent the rest of the afternoon with him and his family it was a very hard moment, at least I had a friend to message to get through that time.
Later that night I had a special lawyer help me write up the affidavit to say that he has and is still committing adultery....that was the hardest moment as he signed that, it was the seal of the deal. I had to step back and see that this was done, not that I wanted it done but that it was done....and now I was allowed to move forward. I did love him, but it was not a two way street and you cant force someone to love you..... now it is time to move on and get my fresh start and be allowed to truly be loved....and i can not wait for that day to truly be loved!

i am alive

I know some of you might not know it is true but i am still alive, it has been a hard couple months but I am doing AMAZING! currently my mark in my English class is at a 69.3% which is GREAT as I only need a 65% to get into my program...only my English Patient final on Tues(tomorrow) and then a week from that I write my street car named desire final and then Thursday the 28th I write my final for the program...I am scared and nervous all at the same time, I know I can do this but it is been one of my hardest trails. my mom has come up for the month to help me and yes that has been a blessing and a struggle all at the same time, I love my mom but we live in 2 very different worlds, but I am so grateful for the help.

I am still not divorced, and as much as I want it tomorrow, I know when the time is right it will all happen. Some days are harder than others but I truly expect that because I did put so much of my time and energy into my marriage and now it is gone. but in the same breath I am glad for the second chance in life.

The kids are doing well....I will try to update a bit more a little later

Thinking of you all and missing being here more....one day life will be a little less crazy!

in limbo land

So I have decided that this limbo land is no fun, I want to be going one way or another.....and since I am not going to go back to being married it is time to move the game forward a little more, I did email the lawyer 2 weeks ago and he was still waiting on the court order from March 18th. Once that came he said he would start the divorce, but i would like it done sooner than later here....not that I have anyone I am wanting to marry tomorrow, it is just hard to even have male friends because I don't want people to get the wrong idea and heavens what happens if both of us just "click" not by trying but just by simple fact of life of..... boy meet girl, boy starts falling for girl, boy and girl see where it is going and try to stop it....well then boy wants to date girl and well you get the point, not that it is happening but because I am emotionally done,not emotionally better, but done I know I want to move forward and this makes it a long tough trapped type road. Yes, I am to point where I am happy, I am starting to finally figure out me....and Happiness is a huge part that has come back, but there is a small part to that happiness missing, a partner to share the good the bad and the ugly with!
The only nice part is it should not take the full year, as long as the child support stays where it is....that is the hardest part to it all, the kids have to be taken care of before they will put a stamp on it!

school is doing good!

where to start, if has been awhile since I have been here, life has been a little crazy....trying to get into some new good routines. School has been amazing for me, for many different reasons. Even as I sit writing this I am trying to remember all the grammar and punctuation stuff I have been learning, I know I probably still have issues (wait I KNOW I still have issues) but it is helping me a ton.
My first 2 assignments I got "A" on which made me super happy. HUGE for me, I was the 50% or lower in High School in the lower class I did the English 30-2 (think it was English 33 before) and just barley passed, I am doing the higher English this time so English 30-1 so super huge boost for me, but my first test came back lower than I wanted I got a 59.9% which upset me alot, I thought I had done better but it has made me study a little more, pray a little harder.....try to focus more on what I need and what I want.....I know I can do this....I have the faith in myself...and I NEED to do this for my family.
oh well off to study for the long weekend and read two essay's....excited to move on to essay's!

137 days!

This was the day I hit the lowest I have been since I was told....


 "I am not sure I want to be married anymore!"


if you have ever been at that moment, you will know how much it hurts and you want to scream and cry, but this day was worse than that, this was the day for the first time I realized I had lost my best friend, I would tell him everything, I would bounce off my ideas with him, I would cry to him.....he was my EVERYTHING, right up till the day I heard him say "I Love You" to some else...At that very moment I turned off all emotions. but this week was a hard week all in all.
I will give you a short run down of why this day came to a head way.....
Friday, I went to Calgary for Time out for Women. I meet Shelly at her house at 10am and we were heading that way by about 11am, we dropped her kids off in Alix at there grandparents house, we then had 2 hours of just the two of us......I enjoyed talking, I look up to Shelly a ton, a widow, a mother of 4,a student, and a caring friend.
Sat was again another full day of TOFW. Amazing learned alot that weekend, I will do a post later about those two days....did a lot for me. Sat we head back home after it was over, about 5pm for we were on our way back to get Shelly's kids and then back to Edmonton.
In this time I was gone, I left my kids with there Dad, at my house. For some reason I had a VERY strong feeling they need to stay home, and not come with me which was not in my plan as I VERY much want to go out and play well in Calgary! (probably why I needed to go home, but still sad, and still not part of my plan)
Sat we got back to Edmonton about 10:30 by the time I dropped off David and go home it was almost midnight, I walked in the door and within a moment I was almost in tears, I was so hurt my house was a disaster, not a good way to end a good weekend. I had a melt down sent a not nice email because I was so hurt, not a nice way to start my first mothers day as a single mom.
Sun I woke up early got ready for church, really didn't want to go but I still went. I struggled with a lot of tears, I was so angry and hurt still, and I was angry for expecting different. Would have been better to think he would do nothing and  come back to that vs thinking something would be done. I had a few more meltdowns, a nap and a few more tears for the day and Joshua asking me if i was going to be okay....after I snapped a few times on him for no reason and all I could say was "yes, one day this will all get better"
I cleaned a bit but was trying to wait till Monday.
Mon I woke up and went on a HUGE I want my house clean moment, actually forgot it was Monday, and forgot Joshua's e-live for school but I got my house somewhat back to a small normalness to totally 100% but alot better than it was. Joshua's teacher called about 4pm and as soon as I heard her voice I went CRAP! I forgot about school. She laughed a little I felt like a idiot....but she told me the testing that the psychiatrist had ordered, went in to late.....needed to be in by middle of April and i didn't get it in till may. So Joshua will have to go to a regular classroom on a IPP, how do I feel about it........I HATE IT, but what can I do about it......NOT A HELL OF ALOT! so now trying to figure out schools!
Tues
went to school with Dallin in the morning, then came home a Candice day and then I was trying to finish my school work for class later that night and I got a call from my FSCD worker, holding my breath like what now seeming this week was already going to the rough side....She called to talk about what I was wanting for Dallin for the last 6 months, after almost a hour we had come up with a plan and then it was just waiting for it to be approved by her supervisor.  Then off to school I went, I handed in my assignment and then wrote my first test. At this point was when i started to feel overwhelmed in my own world. I was not sure i could do everything.
Wed
today is a Counseling day.....I am so grateful, I have been able to have this in my life, as I have worked through a TON of things with this persons help. I remember being worried a bit when I first started going because I was worried how much this person knew of who I was, and well the knew my significant other in the younger years in life. Let me tell you though, BEST choice ever to put those feelings behind me and just let myself heal and work on healing.
: not that I will talk alot about what is said in this moments as they are truly the most private and personal to me. It is the shaping forming, this person is probably next to God right now on the information he knows, he knows more than anyone I have EVER shared with, I normally leave things out because I don't want to make myself look bad, or I think that I have dealt with something but this time I have put everything out there good and bad, from present to past....super tough some days...
the thing that really stood out to me today was: the link between Abuse and Acceptable and how for me they go hand in hand alot.....sadly!
I got a new freezer today so now I can actually shop properly and make meals in advance, what a amazing thing!
Thurs
was another crazy day, school, therapy, and school for me.....slowly figuring it out, though I feel like this grammar unit might kill me. My mind was still going a TON today thinking back to yesterday and all the things we went through, I got my test back from Tuesday my heart almost dropped as I looked at the paper, I thought I had done alot better but I got 59.9% I wanted so bad to cry, I needed a higher mark and I thought I truly had understood it.
Fri
Friday the 13th the best day right??? NOT!
I started my day off with 2 team meeting for the boys where we sit and talk very shortly about the positive gains and strengths, and then you focus the next hour and a half on the negative and what we need to work on. I think for anyone that would be the hardest thing to sit and do, now do it for 2 kids back to back :(
I know that these programs are to help the kids and I know without a doubt they are helping my boys, they have grown and changed a TON, yes we have some bad day but for the most part they are getting so good. I am not afraid to leave my house every day along anymore which a GREAT thing!
Later..........
what is one more day to throw me over the edge, tonight the edge was the closest I had ever seen, this was the 137day!
facebook status tonight was :in the 137 days I have been single, I have never been as lonely as I am today.....I miss someone beside me helping me through the tough and crappy days, I miss coming home and talking about the 3hr meeting I had about the boys today...I miss someone to say I love you too, and cuddle on the hard days....I know it is worth it but today SUCKS!

no one can take away that pain from the very moment, and unless you have been there that moment...the panic attack kicked in huge that night, but as a dear friend sat and talked to me, i stop to see the blessing I do have in my life. I have 3 AMAZING kids who are teaching me a ton, I have AMAZING friends close and some very far but they are there to just talk when I need to talk, cry when I need to cry and you cant replace that ever and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for the people that have been placed in my life to help me.
Sat
today....i hate Saturday's I have to drive the kids somewhere to see there Father, and then I wait around as it is normally only a hour or 2 so I dont want to go far as I dont want to waste a TON of gas especially with the price of it right now. But today I went to Ikea after I dropped them off because I was on a mission I wanted a new kitchen table because the other one was ready to fall apart. I had a dollar amount in my mind of what I wanted to spend. I found on in the As-Is section for half the price i was willing to spend, and the only reason it was there was it was missing it's box.....SOLD! I was done and happy, got it in the van with the help of a nice lady and then back to pick up kids....and Dallin's comment as he gets in the van was..."mom, is this coming home to be apart of our family?" I chuckled a little and said it sure it!
Sun
i was still so tired and burnt out from this whole week, it was very very emotional to me, but I made a super nice dinner and focused on us....and focused on a new week.....some days and some weeks are so emotional. I know I am being blessed for this trial but someone days it is the hardest trial in the world but I would not even give it to my worst enemy.




I think the hardest part to this all is most people get to walk away from, the Ex-spouse,partner whatever they may be and that is it, I will never be able to walk away from this person, I don't want him dead or anything like this, just not a person I would want to hang out with and have a party with anymore if that makes any sense......but he is the kids Father and over time we need to slowly learn how to work together and make a pleasant world for the kids. I hope one day he can see that part too.

treadmill vs outside running

so I have been doing awsome running on the treadmill, I was up to almost 20mins of full running on my treadmill but i think my treadmill hit its last life last night, the belt has been sliding over for awhile and I cant get it to stay anymore :( so I thought I would go for a run outside, I need to run....you know that feeling in your legs when they just want to go and so I was like I am going....
so i went and ran around the block only probably 10mins but I struggled to run the entire time, but I am proud with the fact I didn't give up....it took me awhile to learn inside so assume it would be the same outside, but it was nice to feel the wind against my face! something I need to still do once I am in school....I need to still take that time for me, I am sure it will all help with the stress....

what is your favorite running song?

Find The Beat Again

finding the beat again, wow life is about to take a huge change for me.....I did not know for sure till Thursday morning, but I start school on Tuesday, I am so excited and so scared all in one! as I have not been to school in many years and English was the course I struggled with the most but here I am, I am about to do my English 30 so I can get into Grant McEwan in September, I need to give them my marks in May saying I am doing awsome in my English course....and then I can go to school. I know without a doubt this is going to be a hard task but I know that there are many positives from this, my kids will learn how important school is, I will gain some self confidence in myself and in the end I will be able to support my family better.

I will need all the prayers and happy thoughts from everyone as I need to get a 65% in my English class, I have never got over a 60% so please keep me in your thoughts for the next few months! my course is from April till July and then....off to big kids school as my kids call it!

The end result from school would be.....Special Needs teacher assistant!

feelings close to my heart.....me talking about my church feelings and emotions

it is not very often I talk alot about my beliefs but sometimes I think i should do more of it, and if I offended people well, they will get over it or forget about me. I am  who I am, I am made whole each day because someone cared for me and gave up his life for the world.
As I sat last night in the Edmonton Temple I felt something I have not felt so strongly in a long time, I have been working so hard on what a relationship is to me and what is involved in that relationship good and bad! and many tears have come in the last week as I was challenged to write this out, and it has been interesting to just type and not think about it, and then go back and read it. My heart has been full and my heart has been broken a little more than it was, as I realize more of the lies I was living in sadly.....the tears came
As I sat in the temple (if you want more info on the temple) I watched few people, the person going to the temple for the first time and the memories and feelings that were there, and then I watched a person who I look up to he was the "best man" at our wedding, and well currently he is a best man, he is still active in the church and able to be in the temple! and I watched him, memories flood of the day I got married and how special that was to me, my of my dreams was fulled....but that dream has sort of been broken into a thousand pieces, no one ever goes into a marriage thinking they are going to walk away with a divorce or why would we do it, but heaven it hurts more some days then others. And then there was a third person there, who has been my support through this trial, my bishop.....I never thought it would be emotional to be there well he was there, but I was wrong because as I sat there, the memories and the talks we have had to get me there came back, he was the one to take a chance with me and challenge me to go back in Feb, and I remember saying I am not sure I can do this, and he said you can do it! and I sat there last night and at the end with tears in my eyes...he said "you in the right place" and more tears and emotions came out. i know more than ever I am in the right place, but being in the right place is not always the easiest, or the most accepted place!

the person that I could feel the most last night was my Heavenly Father with his arms wrapped around me, giving me the little push saying go forward with faith you can do this next step. I know there are some huge changes coming but I know without a doubt that they will all be GREAT changes. I know going to school as scared as I am will be a AMAZING thing, I know I am going to grow and change so much. but as I sat there and listen and thought about Easter coming up I also thought of the things that that means to me....and what that meant to Christ. He hung on a cross for us with nails in his hands and also in his wrists because they were afraid of the weight tearing, well heck even then I think is going to, but even if you take a small moment and think about what that would feel like to you, that intense pain that must of been for him, but he did it for us so we could be able to return to our Father one day, I look forward to that day and I hope to be able to say " I did all i could, i served and loved as you would have asked us to do!"

to go with Easter here is a Reflections of Christ Slideshow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oteno81QzzQ&feature=related

Grey's Anatomy Musical- Ending song

this song, just hit me....I wish I had the someone I was "made" for!

the winds of change and thinking

I guess the winds of change have come, it is interesting to watch, as I have wrote in my own personal journal almost every day since Jan, and now it is starting to fall back a bit, I tend to fail at journal writing when I am happier, and tend to leave the happy moments and I know that is wrong so my goal right now is to at least write once a week.
Some thing came to me as I was talking to a person who I had not seen in about 3 or 4 yrs, this was a person I grew up with and totally looked up too and as I tried to dance around what my life has been come, sort of out of I don't want to bore people and sort of out of I get tired of people thinking my life sucks and then I HUGE part is that I failed.......now I know I did have parts to it, but for me to think I failed is WRONG!
but as I talked to this person for a few mins he knew I was hiding my life and I knew he knew that and finally I was like well I am going through a divorce
S was like "I am sorry to hear that"
my instant responds today was...."don't be, my life is better now, I know there is a plan, and that I will be okay" I have not sat back and been sad that he left, it was his choice, not mine, he made the choice to walk away from his family, he made the choice to not get help with our marriage when he thought it needed help, granted he said he did say he tried talking to me and I know there was moments of toughness which every marriage has, but I NEVER saw that our marriage was that gone, I was even up till the moment he told me, totally in love with David, and I spent all Christmas trying to find the "perfect" gift to help him as I knew he was not happy but could not figure out what was causing it all.

as I look back on my facebook comments for the month of December I should have seen something here is a few:

Dec.13
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault


Dec.15
sometimes finding the wording you need to a question is not always a easy as you think it should be........What do you belief and what do belief in are LARGE questions that can be easily answered except when you need to put it in writing and then all words run away :)


Dec 17
Is tired...............I need some things to be different soon, I can’t handle all the stresses.....................the good, and the bad.........I just want to figure out where my peace is this month!


Dec 24
To bed I go this was one long day and I am sure tomorrow is going to feel close to the same way........try hard to find joy and peace in everything right now....trying to figure me out......sleep might help!


Dec.27
dance like no one is watching, love like no one is watching, be who you are even if some one is watching just be the best YOU who ever that is just be the person you NEED to be!
(this was the night David told me he was not sure he wanted to be married anymore, so our last date night EVER!)

Dec. 28

"Discontent occurs when our outer experiences aren't matching our inner desires....in the early stages, discontent is fairly easy to overlook or conceal from ourselves, but like a glowing ember, the heat of discontent builds slowly over time until it is blazing fire that needs full attention


Dec.29
Trying hard to find peace.....just not totally sure where to look today!

Dec.30
I am up and not happy about it.....ummmm hopefully I can go back to sleep maybe should be one of those crazy people and go running in the morning.....nope sleep I think it is, let hope my mind will shut off and go back to sleep!

my eyes are so sore from all the tears.....I hope 2011 turns out to be a GREAT year.....trying to find the balance between it all....it has been along 5 yrs, I just need to figure out how to be the best mom and the best wife and have the balance it takes to give them all what they need I love my A.David Mousir so much, I just hope he can truly see that...I have my weakness I know I am not perfect but I am trying....

Jan 1
well welcome 2011......I see this month at least being a tough one but this could be longer.....hopefully not, now to do my emails to see I can change when kids are going to school so I don't spread myself out too thin!

Jan2
has a little more peace today.... thankful for a bishop who trys to help us through our tough times.....but I know this is going to be a rough start to the New Year lets hope it gets better from here...I know it is not going to get better over night but lets hope sooner than later!
(the first meeting with the bishop, David said he would stay and try to work on the marriage)


Jan 3

blah and but i have found a little peace, trying to see the sun shining through the clouds....love is not something you are just given you need to earn it....but we all do deserve some love!


Jan 5

slowly finding me amongst the craziness of life been nice to focus on me for a few days I feel AMAZING! now to keep it going!
(tonight was the worst night ever! I will add this post in one day......but this is the day, I found out about the other woman being more than a friend, this was a person, I had asked for him to delete from his friends for a while now, but he told me that she was just a "friend")

Jan6

is done like a turkey.........
....trying to be positive with all that has happened....I know I have a long road of tears but I know things are going to turn out for the BEST.....2011 is going to be a good year at least that is what I am telling myself......positive thinking remember :)
(David flat out lied to the bishop again, after telling me earlier in the day he was done and was not going to try and more, told the bishop he would still keep trying!)

Jan 7

I hurt so much today.....everyone says that this gets easier but I lack the patience I want it better NOW or maybe even yesterday....I didn't ask for this pain EVER


Jan 9

is thankful for family and friends who are supporting me through this rough spot it means alot, I really thought I was going to be alone.....I am at least not alone in the "facebook world"
(I told this bishop today it was done, there was no going back on this, i hurt but I was DONE!)

Jan11
yes I am a angry person right now, and I don't know how to change that right now, and I might be a horrible person for that......it is going to take more than 2 weeks to be able to honestly deal with this and alot of counseling......I need to relearn who I am and what that means.......and rethink my hopes and dreams......and hope I am able to get past my anger some


Jan 12

I know I am not perfect but I do know that I am worth and I deserve to be loved!


Jan 16

......hurt and anger sadly get you a clean house :) feeling nice, still have a LONG way to get it where I want it but 1.5 rooms closer to my home......
(the day after David left)

Jan 19

to say one person didn't try in a relationship would mean you gave them the info to let them try and make it better.....to walk away with it all bottled up doesn't help anyone....failure to try doesn't help anyone most of all yourself!


Jan 21

Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.


--Barbara De Angelis


is thankful for Jesus Moreno who kept me company for the evening making me laugh, I so much being close to him and all the guys, they know how to make a person feel super special these boys have good moms back in Mexico....they have been taught well!

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okay it was maybe a little more than a few, but I can see the good days even now that I know on the bad days, I was letting my emotions or a fight I had with David control how I have felt.

I am stronger today that I have been in a LONG time..... I know they say the normal grieving time is about 2 yrs, I am really for the most part done grieving him, I miss being married, I miss having a best friend to talk to to share my excitement and my joys and the kids joys, but I don't miss feeling like I could not go out, I don't miss feeling like I need to keep my testimony or belief in my God quiet and feel like I was not allowed to be to strong in my belief, I don't miss feeling like I was dumb, I don't miss feeling like I did not know how to cook (my kids have lived this far) I don't miss feeling lonely even when I had a partner in my home with me.......I feel AMAZING, I LOVE doing things for me, I have LOVED going to play basketball, I know I am not the best at it but no one makes me feel dumb, if I do something wrong they help me.....I love having friends to talk to on the tough days, I love finding me and I am loving the fact that I am finding my self confidence that I am not sure I have had in many years, I still struggle daily wondering if people like me even though I know there are people that do, I struggle daily thinking I am not the best mom...but by who's bar?, I struggle with the positiveness I need to know I will do good in school (I am scared as hell about that one), I struggle daily with feeling less than perfect, I struggle daily with my self esteem but I know it is all slowly coming together and I know that I will be the best me soon here and I know the best me will be AMAZING! (I had to put that out there, not feeling it yet but trying too)


Thank S for making me think!

I have not seen something that has stood out to me so much in along time, I know without a doubt that I am on the right path I have not looked back for more than a moment to say "WOW" even in the last 61 days, 13 hours, 8 minutes and 57 seconds Or 2 months, 2 days, 13 hours, 8 minutes, 57 seconds.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunately it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devastating blows from him?
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle. but when it comes, I can now stop and say (with the help of a great counsellor) what is the immediate danger here? where is your bar? and who set that bar? who set your guilt? YES, he does have the ability to say the right things to hurt, BUT I have the choice of how I react to it all and in the end am I being the best me in that moment?
I'm stronger now than I have ever been, because I support and tools, I still feel fragile at times when I'm dealing with him,but this is my time to stand up for me. finally finding my voice.

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I have had many tears and many panic attacks that I was not going to be a good enough mom, that I am going to let my kids down, that I would never be loved again.....but I know that is now not true at all....the kids are doing well with everything probably better than me sadly but at that very same point we have picked up and moved on pretty good. To honestly say that I have not cried or morned for my marriage would be a lie BUT to say that I have looked back and saw now what life was and to say I don't want that is about where I am.
I am getting stronger every day, and every week. I was very much questioning everything from who I was to what I believed in....this shock me right to very bottom of my own foundation BUT I stood up and became the person I know that my Heavenly Father would be proud of. I don't always talk religion because I know some get uneasy by it so if that is you, just skip over this part!

I have amazing Bishop who has worked very closely with me to find my spiritual well being, I lacked self confidence in many areas of my life and this was one of them, I thought by this point God did not love me, I made some bad choice to try and make myself feel good and bad through it all, some of them I am proud of and some of them I an not so proud of, but the bishops counsel was to go to the temple, find the feeling you need.

The first time going was the HARDEST thing, I have done since being separated and on the course to divorce. I was so angry and felt bad for feeling angry but I hurt so much for all the things he threw away for this. At that moment I was most alone I have ever felt since this started but at that same very point I wasn't alone, I went with close friends because I knew this would be a hard time. I am glad I did go with friends. In the end I knew without a doubt that it was where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be close to my Lord, I could feel him close around me, his hand on my shoulder saying yes you can do this. but still I was so Angry at David it was so hard. Those mixed feelings were there for a few days.

I then went to my counselling appointment the next week and told him how I had felt and his counsel then was go once a week till you can feel the peace, he said is normally 3 to 4 weeks, but the first time is normally the angry which made me feel so much better! I am normal :)

I have continued to go once a week since and just so amazing how it has changed how i deal with life, I am not as over whelmed by it all, I seem to be able to do it better.....than I was better, not to say I have not had tears or anger since but I am able to deal with it all a little better, I know without a doubt I am on the right track and one day the divorce will be done and I will truly be able to move forward with my life and find the happiness I deserve!

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Big moments that had happened:
I have started counselling--best choice I have EVER made as I am trully finding out WHO I am and slow getting a little of a back bone, and the power to stand up for me and the kids.
I have applied for school--I start April 26th doing my English 30 and if all goes right I will enter into Grant MacEwan in Sept for a Special Needs Teacher Assistant.
I have started to go to a women's basketball night every Thursday, I am not the best but when I do something awesome they make me feel awesome for it which is helping me tons! little did they know they would be a form of counselling :)

Lots of little things too but the sun is starting to shine and the clouds are slowly starting to move to the side which makes everything a little better!



Lonley nights

Lonley nights.......oh what do you do.....I could clean but really how much fun would that be? I could pack more of David's things but again what fun would that be?

I am trying not to get depressed but I think I am slowly slipping there.....I know that this is the right choice beyond all other things but it is not easy, I miss being able to go out by myself and just wonder walmart or superstore just to do things to make me smile.....now I sit here wondering if the silence well ever go away, I just want someone to talk too and not feel like I am bugging someone.....

I have not add back any of my inlaws even though they have asked because I just feel I need some space from them right now, I need to know I have 1 safe spot to vent and be angry I am so tired of hearing that I should not be angry anymore......he has only been gone a week and 4 days I only got about a months notice that my life was not going to be how I pictured anymore that is alot for a person to take

the hardest post to do for me.....

probably the hardest post a person has to do......





I wish this was easier........


to say I knew it was coming would be a lie.... to say now looking back that I shouldn't have saw it would be a lie....

About this time a week ago, David moved out of the house!
Is this a temporary thing? NO sadly I wish I could say it was because I truly do love him, well that is not totally true, I love the David I married, this is not him. David has changed alot some good things and some bad, but on Dec 27th David told me that he was not sure he wanted to be apart of the "family" anymore he loved the kids but he was no longer sure he loved me!
Looking back after 3 weeks that was the day the marriage was truly done from there on it was over sadly he said he would try but there was never a "try" the 3 weeks living together was the hardest thing for me, I heard him say things a wife should NEVER have to hear or see from there spouse to other people, but it sadly gave me the closure I need to be able to move forward.

I wish there was a easy answer to this all, I wish I didn't have to grieve through this death, but I know I am healing and moving forward....I know there I will be loved again, and my kids will be able to see a healthy loving marriage again, my heart aches for them, I wish they NEVER had to go through this but it will make them stronger in the end, heck even this week that he has been gone I have seen them step up and be strong little kids they have said things that break my heart and then they have said things that make me so proud. I love my kids so much, I know that is Davids reason for walking away, because I spent to much time on the kids but would I change that for a moment.........HELL NO, I know I have done what is right for my kids through all of there struggles, and they are the kids they are because I have spent so much time with them I am thankful for the chance I had to do that, I am sad that they will go back into the school system next year but at that same point it will be a good thing for them, and I will hopefully be going with them well not with them but back to school as well to better myself and support my kids and my family the best I can!

I am thankful for a God that Loves me and is helping through this spot and for friends and family that are standing behind me and cheering me along the way, I know I have done alot of this myself for along time, I guess it is just different now not having anyone else to blame if things don't get done! but I am stepping up to the plate and doing the best I can and I know I will raise more than I have in the last 7 yrs since becoming a mom, I am truly excited to see what is at the end of this rainbow :)