I have not seen something that has stood out to me so much in along time, I know without a doubt that I am on the right path I have not looked back for more than a moment to say "WOW" even in the last 61 days, 13 hours, 8 minutes and 57 seconds Or 2 months, 2 days, 13 hours, 8 minutes, 57 seconds.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunately it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devastating blows from him?
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle. but when it comes, I can now stop and say (with the help of a great counsellor) what is the immediate danger here? where is your bar? and who set that bar? who set your guilt? YES, he does have the ability to say the right things to hurt, BUT I have the choice of how I react to it all and in the end am I being the best me in that moment?
I'm stronger now than I have ever been, because I support and tools, I still feel fragile at times when I'm dealing with him,but this is my time to stand up for me. finally finding my voice.

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I have had many tears and many panic attacks that I was not going to be a good enough mom, that I am going to let my kids down, that I would never be loved again.....but I know that is now not true at all....the kids are doing well with everything probably better than me sadly but at that very same point we have picked up and moved on pretty good. To honestly say that I have not cried or morned for my marriage would be a lie BUT to say that I have looked back and saw now what life was and to say I don't want that is about where I am.
I am getting stronger every day, and every week. I was very much questioning everything from who I was to what I believed in....this shock me right to very bottom of my own foundation BUT I stood up and became the person I know that my Heavenly Father would be proud of. I don't always talk religion because I know some get uneasy by it so if that is you, just skip over this part!

I have amazing Bishop who has worked very closely with me to find my spiritual well being, I lacked self confidence in many areas of my life and this was one of them, I thought by this point God did not love me, I made some bad choice to try and make myself feel good and bad through it all, some of them I am proud of and some of them I an not so proud of, but the bishops counsel was to go to the temple, find the feeling you need.

The first time going was the HARDEST thing, I have done since being separated and on the course to divorce. I was so angry and felt bad for feeling angry but I hurt so much for all the things he threw away for this. At that moment I was most alone I have ever felt since this started but at that same very point I wasn't alone, I went with close friends because I knew this would be a hard time. I am glad I did go with friends. In the end I knew without a doubt that it was where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be close to my Lord, I could feel him close around me, his hand on my shoulder saying yes you can do this. but still I was so Angry at David it was so hard. Those mixed feelings were there for a few days.

I then went to my counselling appointment the next week and told him how I had felt and his counsel then was go once a week till you can feel the peace, he said is normally 3 to 4 weeks, but the first time is normally the angry which made me feel so much better! I am normal :)

I have continued to go once a week since and just so amazing how it has changed how i deal with life, I am not as over whelmed by it all, I seem to be able to do it better.....than I was better, not to say I have not had tears or anger since but I am able to deal with it all a little better, I know without a doubt I am on the right track and one day the divorce will be done and I will truly be able to move forward with my life and find the happiness I deserve!

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Big moments that had happened:
I have started counselling--best choice I have EVER made as I am trully finding out WHO I am and slow getting a little of a back bone, and the power to stand up for me and the kids.
I have applied for school--I start April 26th doing my English 30 and if all goes right I will enter into Grant MacEwan in Sept for a Special Needs Teacher Assistant.
I have started to go to a women's basketball night every Thursday, I am not the best but when I do something awesome they make me feel awesome for it which is helping me tons! little did they know they would be a form of counselling :)

Lots of little things too but the sun is starting to shine and the clouds are slowly starting to move to the side which makes everything a little better!