I guess the winds of change have come, it is interesting to watch, as I have wrote in my own personal journal almost every day since Jan, and now it is starting to fall back a bit, I tend to fail at journal writing when I am happier, and tend to leave the happy moments and I know that is wrong so my goal right now is to at least write once a week.
Some thing came to me as I was talking to a person who I had not seen in about 3 or 4 yrs, this was a person I grew up with and totally looked up too and as I tried to dance around what my life has been come, sort of out of I don't want to bore people and sort of out of I get tired of people thinking my life sucks and then I HUGE part is that I failed.......now I know I did have parts to it, but for me to think I failed is WRONG!
but as I talked to this person for a few mins he knew I was hiding my life and I knew he knew that and finally I was like well I am going through a divorce
S was like "I am sorry to hear that"
my instant responds today was...."don't be, my life is better now, I know there is a plan, and that I will be okay" I have not sat back and been sad that he left, it was his choice, not mine, he made the choice to walk away from his family, he made the choice to not get help with our marriage when he thought it needed help, granted he said he did say he tried talking to me and I know there was moments of toughness which every marriage has, but I NEVER saw that our marriage was that gone, I was even up till the moment he told me, totally in love with David, and I spent all Christmas trying to find the "perfect" gift to help him as I knew he was not happy but could not figure out what was causing it all.
as I look back on my facebook comments for the month of December I should have seen something here is a few:
Dec.13
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
Dec.15
sometimes finding the wording you need to a question is not always a easy as you think it should be........What do you belief and what do belief in are LARGE questions that can be easily answered except when you need to put it in writing and then all words run away :)
Dec 17
Is tired...............I need some things to be different soon, I can’t handle all the stresses.....................the good, and the bad.........I just want to figure out where my peace is this month!
Dec 24
To bed I go this was one long day and I am sure tomorrow is going to feel close to the same way........try hard to find joy and peace in everything right now....trying to figure me out......sleep might help!
Dec.27
dance like no one is watching, love like no one is watching, be who you are even if some one is watching just be the best YOU who ever that is just be the person you NEED to be!
(this was the night David told me he was not sure he wanted to be married anymore, so our last date night EVER!)
Dec. 28
"Discontent occurs when our outer experiences aren't matching our inner desires....in the early stages, discontent is fairly easy to overlook or conceal from ourselves, but like a glowing ember, the heat of discontent builds slowly over time until it is blazing fire that needs full attention
Dec.29
Trying hard to find peace.....just not totally sure where to look today!
Dec.30
I am up and not happy about it.....ummmm hopefully I can go back to sleep maybe should be one of those crazy people and go running in the morning.....nope sleep I think it is, let hope my mind will shut off and go back to sleep!
my eyes are so sore from all the tears.....I hope 2011 turns out to be a GREAT year.....trying to find the balance between it all....it has been along 5 yrs, I just need to figure out how to be the best mom and the best wife and have the balance it takes to give them all what they need I love my A.David Mousir so much, I just hope he can truly see that...I have my weakness I know I am not perfect but I am trying....
Jan 1
well welcome 2011......I see this month at least being a tough one but this could be longer.....hopefully not, now to do my emails to see I can change when kids are going to school so I don't spread myself out too thin!
Jan2
has a little more peace today.... thankful for a bishop who trys to help us through our tough times.....but I know this is going to be a rough start to the New Year lets hope it gets better from here...I know it is not going to get better over night but lets hope sooner than later!
(the first meeting with the bishop, David said he would stay and try to work on the marriage)
Jan 3
blah and but i have found a little peace, trying to see the sun shining through the clouds....love is not something you are just given you need to earn it....but we all do deserve some love!
Jan 5
slowly finding me amongst the craziness of life been nice to focus on me for a few days I feel AMAZING! now to keep it going!
(tonight was the worst night ever! I will add this post in one day......but this is the day, I found out about the other woman being more than a friend, this was a person, I had asked for him to delete from his friends for a while now, but he told me that she was just a "friend")
Jan6
is done like a turkey.........
....trying to be positive with all that has happened....I know I have a long road of tears but I know things are going to turn out for the BEST.....2011 is going to be a good year at least that is what I am telling myself......positive thinking remember :)
(David flat out lied to the bishop again, after telling me earlier in the day he was done and was not going to try and more, told the bishop he would still keep trying!)
Jan 7
I hurt so much today.....everyone says that this gets easier but I lack the patience I want it better NOW or maybe even yesterday....I didn't ask for this pain EVER
Jan 9
is thankful for family and friends who are supporting me through this rough spot it means alot, I really thought I was going to be alone.....I am at least not alone in the "facebook world"
(I told this bishop today it was done, there was no going back on this, i hurt but I was DONE!)
Jan11
yes I am a angry person right now, and I don't know how to change that right now, and I might be a horrible person for that......it is going to take more than 2 weeks to be able to honestly deal with this and alot of counseling......I need to relearn who I am and what that means.......and rethink my hopes and dreams......and hope I am able to get past my anger some
Jan 12
I know I am not perfect but I do know that I am worth and I deserve to be loved!
Jan 16
......hurt and anger sadly get you a clean house :) feeling nice, still have a LONG way to get it where I want it but 1.5 rooms closer to my home......
(the day after David left)
Jan 19
to say one person didn't try in a relationship would mean you gave them the info to let them try and make it better.....to walk away with it all bottled up doesn't help anyone....failure to try doesn't help anyone most of all yourself!
Jan 21
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.
--Barbara De Angelis
is thankful for Jesus Moreno who kept me company for the evening making me laugh, I so much being close to him and all the guys, they know how to make a person feel super special these boys have good moms back in Mexico....they have been taught well!
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okay it was maybe a little more than a few, but I can see the good days even now that I know on the bad days, I was letting my emotions or a fight I had with David control how I have felt.
I am stronger today that I have been in a LONG time..... I know they say the normal grieving time is about 2 yrs, I am really for the most part done grieving him, I miss being married, I miss having a best friend to talk to to share my excitement and my joys and the kids joys, but I don't miss feeling like I could not go out, I don't miss feeling like I need to keep my testimony or belief in my God quiet and feel like I was not allowed to be to strong in my belief, I don't miss feeling like I was dumb, I don't miss feeling like I did not know how to cook (my kids have lived this far) I don't miss feeling lonely even when I had a partner in my home with me.......I feel AMAZING, I LOVE doing things for me, I have LOVED going to play basketball, I know I am not the best at it but no one makes me feel dumb, if I do something wrong they help me.....I love having friends to talk to on the tough days, I love finding me and I am loving the fact that I am finding my self confidence that I am not sure I have had in many years, I still struggle daily wondering if people like me even though I know there are people that do, I struggle daily thinking I am not the best mom...but by who's bar?, I struggle with the positiveness I need to know I will do good in school (I am scared as hell about that one), I struggle daily with feeling less than perfect, I struggle daily with my self esteem but I know it is all slowly coming together and I know that I will be the best me soon here and I know the best me will be AMAZING! (I had to put that out there, not feeling it yet but trying too)
Thank S for making me think!
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