So I have decided that this limbo land is no fun, I want to be going one way or another.....and since I am not going to go back to being married it is time to move the game forward a little more, I did email the lawyer 2 weeks ago and he was still waiting on the court order from March 18th. Once that came he said he would start the divorce, but i would like it done sooner than later here....not that I have anyone I am wanting to marry tomorrow, it is just hard to even have male friends because I don't want people to get the wrong idea and heavens what happens if both of us just "click" not by trying but just by simple fact of life of..... boy meet girl, boy starts falling for girl, boy and girl see where it is going and try to stop it....well then boy wants to date girl and well you get the point, not that it is happening but because I am emotionally done,not emotionally better, but done I know I want to move forward and this makes it a long tough trapped type road. Yes, I am to point where I am happy, I am starting to finally figure out me....and Happiness is a huge part that has come back, but there is a small part to that happiness missing, a partner to share the good the bad and the ugly with!
The only nice part is it should not take the full year, as long as the child support stays where it is....that is the hardest part to it all, the kids have to be taken care of before they will put a stamp on it!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
school is doing good!
where to start, if has been awhile since I have been here, life has been a little crazy....trying to get into some new good routines. School has been amazing for me, for many different reasons. Even as I sit writing this I am trying to remember all the grammar and punctuation stuff I have been learning, I know I probably still have issues (wait I KNOW I still have issues) but it is helping me a ton.
My first 2 assignments I got "A" on which made me super happy. HUGE for me, I was the 50% or lower in High School in the lower class I did the English 30-2 (think it was English 33 before) and just barley passed, I am doing the higher English this time so English 30-1 so super huge boost for me, but my first test came back lower than I wanted I got a 59.9% which upset me alot, I thought I had done better but it has made me study a little more, pray a little harder.....try to focus more on what I need and what I want.....I know I can do this....I have the faith in myself...and I NEED to do this for my family.
oh well off to study for the long weekend and read two essay's....excited to move on to essay's!
My first 2 assignments I got "A" on which made me super happy. HUGE for me, I was the 50% or lower in High School in the lower class I did the English 30-2 (think it was English 33 before) and just barley passed, I am doing the higher English this time so English 30-1 so super huge boost for me, but my first test came back lower than I wanted I got a 59.9% which upset me alot, I thought I had done better but it has made me study a little more, pray a little harder.....try to focus more on what I need and what I want.....I know I can do this....I have the faith in myself...and I NEED to do this for my family.
oh well off to study for the long weekend and read two essay's....excited to move on to essay's!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
137 days!
This was the day I hit the lowest I have been since I was told....
"I am not sure I want to be married anymore!"
if you have ever been at that moment, you will know how much it hurts and you want to scream and cry, but this day was worse than that, this was the day for the first time I realized I had lost my best friend, I would tell him everything, I would bounce off my ideas with him, I would cry to him.....he was my EVERYTHING, right up till the day I heard him say "I Love You" to some else...At that very moment I turned off all emotions. but this week was a hard week all in all.
I will give you a short run down of why this day came to a head way.....
Friday, I went to Calgary for Time out for Women. I meet Shelly at her house at 10am and we were heading that way by about 11am, we dropped her kids off in Alix at there grandparents house, we then had 2 hours of just the two of us......I enjoyed talking, I look up to Shelly a ton, a widow, a mother of 4,a student, and a caring friend.
Sat was again another full day of TOFW. Amazing learned alot that weekend, I will do a post later about those two days....did a lot for me. Sat we head back home after it was over, about 5pm for we were on our way back to get Shelly's kids and then back to Edmonton.
In this time I was gone, I left my kids with there Dad, at my house. For some reason I had a VERY strong feeling they need to stay home, and not come with me which was not in my plan as I VERY much want to go out and play well in Calgary! (probably why I needed to go home, but still sad, and still not part of my plan)
Sat we got back to Edmonton about 10:30 by the time I dropped off David and go home it was almost midnight, I walked in the door and within a moment I was almost in tears, I was so hurt my house was a disaster, not a good way to end a good weekend. I had a melt down sent a not nice email because I was so hurt, not a nice way to start my first mothers day as a single mom.
Sun I woke up early got ready for church, really didn't want to go but I still went. I struggled with a lot of tears, I was so angry and hurt still, and I was angry for expecting different. Would have been better to think he would do nothing and come back to that vs thinking something would be done. I had a few more meltdowns, a nap and a few more tears for the day and Joshua asking me if i was going to be okay....after I snapped a few times on him for no reason and all I could say was "yes, one day this will all get better"
I cleaned a bit but was trying to wait till Monday.
Mon I woke up and went on a HUGE I want my house clean moment, actually forgot it was Monday, and forgot Joshua's e-live for school but I got my house somewhat back to a small normalness to totally 100% but alot better than it was. Joshua's teacher called about 4pm and as soon as I heard her voice I went CRAP! I forgot about school. She laughed a little I felt like a idiot....but she told me the testing that the psychiatrist had ordered, went in to late.....needed to be in by middle of April and i didn't get it in till may. So Joshua will have to go to a regular classroom on a IPP, how do I feel about it........I HATE IT, but what can I do about it......NOT A HELL OF ALOT! so now trying to figure out schools!
Tues
went to school with Dallin in the morning, then came home a Candice day and then I was trying to finish my school work for class later that night and I got a call from my FSCD worker, holding my breath like what now seeming this week was already going to the rough side....She called to talk about what I was wanting for Dallin for the last 6 months, after almost a hour we had come up with a plan and then it was just waiting for it to be approved by her supervisor. Then off to school I went, I handed in my assignment and then wrote my first test. At this point was when i started to feel overwhelmed in my own world. I was not sure i could do everything.
Wed
today is a Counseling day.....I am so grateful, I have been able to have this in my life, as I have worked through a TON of things with this persons help. I remember being worried a bit when I first started going because I was worried how much this person knew of who I was, and well the knew my significant other in the younger years in life. Let me tell you though, BEST choice ever to put those feelings behind me and just let myself heal and work on healing.
: not that I will talk alot about what is said in this moments as they are truly the most private and personal to me. It is the shaping forming, this person is probably next to God right now on the information he knows, he knows more than anyone I have EVER shared with, I normally leave things out because I don't want to make myself look bad, or I think that I have dealt with something but this time I have put everything out there good and bad, from present to past....super tough some days...
the thing that really stood out to me today was: the link between Abuse and Acceptable and how for me they go hand in hand alot.....sadly!
I got a new freezer today so now I can actually shop properly and make meals in advance, what a amazing thing!
Thurs
was another crazy day, school, therapy, and school for me.....slowly figuring it out, though I feel like this grammar unit might kill me. My mind was still going a TON today thinking back to yesterday and all the things we went through, I got my test back from Tuesday my heart almost dropped as I looked at the paper, I thought I had done alot better but I got 59.9% I wanted so bad to cry, I needed a higher mark and I thought I truly had understood it.
Fri
Friday the 13th the best day right??? NOT!
I started my day off with 2 team meeting for the boys where we sit and talk very shortly about the positive gains and strengths, and then you focus the next hour and a half on the negative and what we need to work on. I think for anyone that would be the hardest thing to sit and do, now do it for 2 kids back to back :(
I know that these programs are to help the kids and I know without a doubt they are helping my boys, they have grown and changed a TON, yes we have some bad day but for the most part they are getting so good. I am not afraid to leave my house every day along anymore which a GREAT thing!
Later..........
what is one more day to throw me over the edge, tonight the edge was the closest I had ever seen, this was the 137day!
facebook status tonight was :in the 137 days I have been single, I have never been as lonely as I am today.....I miss someone beside me helping me through the tough and crappy days, I miss coming home and talking about the 3hr meeting I had about the boys today...I miss someone to say I love you too, and cuddle on the hard days....I know it is worth it but today SUCKS!
no one can take away that pain from the very moment, and unless you have been there that moment...the panic attack kicked in huge that night, but as a dear friend sat and talked to me, i stop to see the blessing I do have in my life. I have 3 AMAZING kids who are teaching me a ton, I have AMAZING friends close and some very far but they are there to just talk when I need to talk, cry when I need to cry and you cant replace that ever and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for the people that have been placed in my life to help me.
Sat
today....i hate Saturday's I have to drive the kids somewhere to see there Father, and then I wait around as it is normally only a hour or 2 so I dont want to go far as I dont want to waste a TON of gas especially with the price of it right now. But today I went to Ikea after I dropped them off because I was on a mission I wanted a new kitchen table because the other one was ready to fall apart. I had a dollar amount in my mind of what I wanted to spend. I found on in the As-Is section for half the price i was willing to spend, and the only reason it was there was it was missing it's box.....SOLD! I was done and happy, got it in the van with the help of a nice lady and then back to pick up kids....and Dallin's comment as he gets in the van was..."mom, is this coming home to be apart of our family?" I chuckled a little and said it sure it!
Sun
i was still so tired and burnt out from this whole week, it was very very emotional to me, but I made a super nice dinner and focused on us....and focused on a new week.....some days and some weeks are so emotional. I know I am being blessed for this trial but someone days it is the hardest trial in the world but I would not even give it to my worst enemy.
I think the hardest part to this all is most people get to walk away from, the Ex-spouse,partner whatever they may be and that is it, I will never be able to walk away from this person, I don't want him dead or anything like this, just not a person I would want to hang out with and have a party with anymore if that makes any sense......but he is the kids Father and over time we need to slowly learn how to work together and make a pleasant world for the kids. I hope one day he can see that part too.
"I am not sure I want to be married anymore!"
if you have ever been at that moment, you will know how much it hurts and you want to scream and cry, but this day was worse than that, this was the day for the first time I realized I had lost my best friend, I would tell him everything, I would bounce off my ideas with him, I would cry to him.....he was my EVERYTHING, right up till the day I heard him say "I Love You" to some else...At that very moment I turned off all emotions. but this week was a hard week all in all.
I will give you a short run down of why this day came to a head way.....
Friday, I went to Calgary for Time out for Women. I meet Shelly at her house at 10am and we were heading that way by about 11am, we dropped her kids off in Alix at there grandparents house, we then had 2 hours of just the two of us......I enjoyed talking, I look up to Shelly a ton, a widow, a mother of 4,a student, and a caring friend.
Sat was again another full day of TOFW. Amazing learned alot that weekend, I will do a post later about those two days....did a lot for me. Sat we head back home after it was over, about 5pm for we were on our way back to get Shelly's kids and then back to Edmonton.
In this time I was gone, I left my kids with there Dad, at my house. For some reason I had a VERY strong feeling they need to stay home, and not come with me which was not in my plan as I VERY much want to go out and play well in Calgary! (probably why I needed to go home, but still sad, and still not part of my plan)
Sat we got back to Edmonton about 10:30 by the time I dropped off David and go home it was almost midnight, I walked in the door and within a moment I was almost in tears, I was so hurt my house was a disaster, not a good way to end a good weekend. I had a melt down sent a not nice email because I was so hurt, not a nice way to start my first mothers day as a single mom.
Sun I woke up early got ready for church, really didn't want to go but I still went. I struggled with a lot of tears, I was so angry and hurt still, and I was angry for expecting different. Would have been better to think he would do nothing and come back to that vs thinking something would be done. I had a few more meltdowns, a nap and a few more tears for the day and Joshua asking me if i was going to be okay....after I snapped a few times on him for no reason and all I could say was "yes, one day this will all get better"
I cleaned a bit but was trying to wait till Monday.
Mon I woke up and went on a HUGE I want my house clean moment, actually forgot it was Monday, and forgot Joshua's e-live for school but I got my house somewhat back to a small normalness to totally 100% but alot better than it was. Joshua's teacher called about 4pm and as soon as I heard her voice I went CRAP! I forgot about school. She laughed a little I felt like a idiot....but she told me the testing that the psychiatrist had ordered, went in to late.....needed to be in by middle of April and i didn't get it in till may. So Joshua will have to go to a regular classroom on a IPP, how do I feel about it........I HATE IT, but what can I do about it......NOT A HELL OF ALOT! so now trying to figure out schools!
Tues
went to school with Dallin in the morning, then came home a Candice day and then I was trying to finish my school work for class later that night and I got a call from my FSCD worker, holding my breath like what now seeming this week was already going to the rough side....She called to talk about what I was wanting for Dallin for the last 6 months, after almost a hour we had come up with a plan and then it was just waiting for it to be approved by her supervisor. Then off to school I went, I handed in my assignment and then wrote my first test. At this point was when i started to feel overwhelmed in my own world. I was not sure i could do everything.
Wed
today is a Counseling day.....I am so grateful, I have been able to have this in my life, as I have worked through a TON of things with this persons help. I remember being worried a bit when I first started going because I was worried how much this person knew of who I was, and well the knew my significant other in the younger years in life. Let me tell you though, BEST choice ever to put those feelings behind me and just let myself heal and work on healing.
: not that I will talk alot about what is said in this moments as they are truly the most private and personal to me. It is the shaping forming, this person is probably next to God right now on the information he knows, he knows more than anyone I have EVER shared with, I normally leave things out because I don't want to make myself look bad, or I think that I have dealt with something but this time I have put everything out there good and bad, from present to past....super tough some days...
the thing that really stood out to me today was: the link between Abuse and Acceptable and how for me they go hand in hand alot.....sadly!
I got a new freezer today so now I can actually shop properly and make meals in advance, what a amazing thing!
Thurs
was another crazy day, school, therapy, and school for me.....slowly figuring it out, though I feel like this grammar unit might kill me. My mind was still going a TON today thinking back to yesterday and all the things we went through, I got my test back from Tuesday my heart almost dropped as I looked at the paper, I thought I had done alot better but I got 59.9% I wanted so bad to cry, I needed a higher mark and I thought I truly had understood it.
Fri
Friday the 13th the best day right??? NOT!
I started my day off with 2 team meeting for the boys where we sit and talk very shortly about the positive gains and strengths, and then you focus the next hour and a half on the negative and what we need to work on. I think for anyone that would be the hardest thing to sit and do, now do it for 2 kids back to back :(
I know that these programs are to help the kids and I know without a doubt they are helping my boys, they have grown and changed a TON, yes we have some bad day but for the most part they are getting so good. I am not afraid to leave my house every day along anymore which a GREAT thing!
Later..........
what is one more day to throw me over the edge, tonight the edge was the closest I had ever seen, this was the 137day!
facebook status tonight was :in the 137 days I have been single, I have never been as lonely as I am today.....I miss someone beside me helping me through the tough and crappy days, I miss coming home and talking about the 3hr meeting I had about the boys today...I miss someone to say I love you too, and cuddle on the hard days....I know it is worth it but today SUCKS!
no one can take away that pain from the very moment, and unless you have been there that moment...the panic attack kicked in huge that night, but as a dear friend sat and talked to me, i stop to see the blessing I do have in my life. I have 3 AMAZING kids who are teaching me a ton, I have AMAZING friends close and some very far but they are there to just talk when I need to talk, cry when I need to cry and you cant replace that ever and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for the people that have been placed in my life to help me.
Sat
today....i hate Saturday's I have to drive the kids somewhere to see there Father, and then I wait around as it is normally only a hour or 2 so I dont want to go far as I dont want to waste a TON of gas especially with the price of it right now. But today I went to Ikea after I dropped them off because I was on a mission I wanted a new kitchen table because the other one was ready to fall apart. I had a dollar amount in my mind of what I wanted to spend. I found on in the As-Is section for half the price i was willing to spend, and the only reason it was there was it was missing it's box.....SOLD! I was done and happy, got it in the van with the help of a nice lady and then back to pick up kids....and Dallin's comment as he gets in the van was..."mom, is this coming home to be apart of our family?" I chuckled a little and said it sure it!
Sun
i was still so tired and burnt out from this whole week, it was very very emotional to me, but I made a super nice dinner and focused on us....and focused on a new week.....some days and some weeks are so emotional. I know I am being blessed for this trial but someone days it is the hardest trial in the world but I would not even give it to my worst enemy.
I think the hardest part to this all is most people get to walk away from, the Ex-spouse,partner whatever they may be and that is it, I will never be able to walk away from this person, I don't want him dead or anything like this, just not a person I would want to hang out with and have a party with anymore if that makes any sense......but he is the kids Father and over time we need to slowly learn how to work together and make a pleasant world for the kids. I hope one day he can see that part too.
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