a day of thought.....

I so love when you are almost done a post and POW it is gone, no where to be found.........

Today is one of those days that I have stopped and looked back on life, I wish I could say that I have been positive in the last year, I wish I could say I have been supportful in my husband in the last year, I trully wish I could say that I was greatful everyday for my kids and the blessing and love that they have brought into my life but that would be a lie, I have not always been the wife I need to be or the mother I have needed to be but how can you be when you have no idea what is next and how you are going to deal with it, really I have been in the fix mood or the stay a float world........it has been hard on our marriage to go through as much as we have, which I think everyone finds that at times but when you have issuse that are being dealt with and then you add in kids it makes it more fun.....It is so hard to think that I have been through 2 major assessments at the Glenrose now, I have 2 kids that honestly fix the autism spectrum with or without the label and I have a baby girl that is growing and changing so much, there is a ton of emtions every day that we go through, a big one that is hard, and we get asked often will the boys ever have full speech and understanding and the honest question is we have no idea, how hard is that too have no idea what tomorrow holds, or will they ever go to a regualr school I have no idea, all my dreams of what I thought life was going to be are so different, it is a different set of lens I must look through, I must have faith that whatever happens is our Heavenly Fathers plan and he knows what he is doing and what we can handle as humans.......or the hardest thing for me is telling people thank-you for the info and then throwing it out physically or mentally as it is too much, I know some people trully believe that diets can change the world or other things can fix autism, but I have learn that we will be guide by the hand of god if we know it is right or wrong.......and right now I don't think we can emtionally handle much more change for awhile in our home.........I know I am normally very quiet of how I trully feel and where I stand on things, and sometimes that is just the easier answer.....but is it really....because the silence has hurt too cause no one knows and can support you the right way....I am going to leave this post for awhile I may come back and I may not but know I am here, I am doing okay but remember I do have 3 kids under 4 and 2 have severe issues, so I am going to have bad days and good days and sometimes you have to hear the bad stuff to see the good stuff inbetween the lines of the bad.......