Saturday, September 3, 2011

Thank you to the Farmers!

So as I drove down highway 2 from Edmonton to Calgary, my mind wandered more than normal maybe because I could not play on my cell phone with the new laws (not a bad thing but different) but this time as I drove past the farms fields my mind thought of the HARD work that those farmers do for us, without them what would we eat?

I have spent a lot of time talking to a friend in Idaho who works on his father’s farm, I learned soooo much…I have more respect than ever before as I now know the long hours that go into that whole lifestyle and the hermit type lifestyle they must lead in order to get all the things done they need too, to make money and for us to have the food we need to live. I never knew how touchy farming was and how easy it would be to lose EVERYTHING. I learned that potatoes’ are so wonderful from Idaho because it is so cold at night and warms up so much in the day time, and that you should cut beans when the dew is low (otherwise you lose some beans)….and then you fork the ends to try and save what was missed when they were cut. And then difference between the round and square hay bales, all I can says is WOW….have you ever wondered why some of green wrap and some have white?? I have so I finally asked and well it is just wrapping to keep it dry---who would have known. Who would have known there was such a difference between the square and the round bales of hay? Round makes better hay, a round baler can be pulled with a smaller tractor, they are smaller and don’t smash your fields as much so you don’t lose as much, you can bale at a higher moisture with the round ones(makes sense more in Canada to me at least ;) ) The square ones…are easier to truck and stack, and faster to bale in the field. round ones are cheaper to make then square ones the cost blew me away…..the round ones are about $50,000 and the square ones about $160, 00(might be a little different in Canada but that was the guess of the US prices) this just really blows my mind away that is a heck of a lot of money, especially when you are not sure if you are going to make money in a year. The game you have to play in farming is very, very scary to me, the needing more land to make more money, but then needing newer equipment to keep up and the cost of that a crazy little circle you go in.

Who would have known these things…not this little Alberta girl who has NEVER left Canada….let alone been on a farm really….

All I can say is thank you to the people that put in the long hours and have a lack of social lives for us to be able to have food to eat, the work ethic has changed a ton in our society but even if you do the low end of farming you are still working harder than most these days but those that are doing that old style farming where you out more than you are in THANK YOU so much…..

i am going to add some more photos of my trip in a little bit

Friday, August 26, 2011

Sara's Needles

Sara had to get her 5 yr old needles before I had them weigh her and see how tall she is....

Sex Girl
Age 5 Year
Optimal Height 109 Cms Range (100 - 120 Cms) = Sara is: 103.5
Optimal Weight 18 Kg Range (14 - 25 Kg) = Sara is: 17.4 which is 38.5lbs! she put some weight on way to go Sara!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Our community outing.....we went bowling and West Edmonton Mall.....this kids had alot of fun!

Sara R- Dallin's Aid
Joshua Super excited!
the Final score-Little Sara is AWESOME

little Sara bowlling

Dallin bowling

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Open Again!

I have decided to open my blog up again, I really still dont want some people reading it but at the same point why should I have to live in a box and hide my life.....I shouldnt have too....and so if the 1 person in the world I would prefer to not read this is reading I hope know....IT IS MY LIFE and I WILL LIVE IT HOW I WANT! This are my kids, their Father has a little to do with their life but the amount he has is his choice and not mine.

I was going to go back and delete my comments from when David left and I decided NOPE! it is what it is, he hurt me a TON when he left and that needs to be there I am not going to fake that I was okay with it all, I still hurt from it but I am trying my best to move forward and become a BETTER person through this all!

back to the blogging!

the BEST gift

It has been a crazy tough emotional week, I wish I could say it was going to get easier right away but I dont see that at all sadly, there is alot of postive things happening but emotionally still a TON of stuff. Today I came home to get the best gift ever.....
I love how the kids painted it.....Thank you to the Amazing Sara for helping the kids with this, it TRULY means alot to me. I love my kids and this year has been pretty rough but we have each other and that is the important thing.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

a thought came to me....

Today a thought came to me.....I have tried to delete David alot from my life in the last bit, tried to take him out of most of my pictures on facebook and I went to start here and realized as hard as it is, he is ALWAYS going to be apart of my life, I cant delete all the pictures even if I really wanted too, the kids deserve to know who their father is even if it hurts me a ton. He is the father of my kids, he was a man I loved and I had to learn how to unlove him as hard as that was, the hard part for me is to move forward, my divorce is ALMOST done and as excited as I am, I am scared as HELL, I dont want my heart ever treated this way again.....I know I am not the easiest person to live with but I try, and ya my kids come first alot but there are only here for a short time and then they are is finding that balance in life it can be hard.....all I know sadly is the next person has to be willing to share me a little more than David would have had I have to share myself with the person, my kids and their father! should be fun right?????

The Muttart Conservatory

Today we went with Dallin's aid to The Muttart Conservatory, the kids LOVE going there, it is only about 30mins maybe 45 mins if you push it, so we went for a walk after over the river, had some good laughs, I love my kids, I have not spent enough time saying that this year, the change the out look on kids are AMAZING! most of these pictures were taken by Sara or Joshua!


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Sara's New Bed

In hope to get Sara to sleep in her own bed I got the Dora tent......As I could not do her sleeping in my bed anymore, sharing my room is enough some days but my bed was getting to be to much so here we go!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Dallin got Baptized!

I was not sure this day would ever come but his AMAZING primary teacher worked hard with him and I am so proud of him. Nothing can explain the words I feel about this moment...I am proud of Dallin, I am happy he made the choice to do this.

I will attach some pictures when I get them, as I got there and my camera had no batteries in it....I love my kids ;) but thank you to all those who made that day amazing for our family....

a bitter sweet moment

A bitter sweet moment....on July 30th David was served his divorce papers, I really struggled with who I was going to ask to serve him as it was such a private person thing...and even though he knew this day would come, he had no idea other than a few hours before that he was going to be served. He was served by my maid of honor from my wedding....thanks for still being the support...but it hit me huge after this person help with our wedding (even though she at first was not a fan of me...) and she helped in a away end the marriage too with the finial papers, I am eternally grateful she was willing to help me.
I really thought it would be aloft easier than it was.....and then I spent the rest of the afternoon with him and his family it was a very hard moment, at least I had a friend to message to get through that time.
Later that night I had a special lawyer help me write up the affidavit to say that he has and is still committing adultery....that was the hardest moment as he signed that, it was the seal of the deal. I had to step back and see that this was done, not that I wanted it done but that it was done....and now I was allowed to move forward. I did love him, but it was not a two way street and you cant force someone to love you..... now it is time to move on and get my fresh start and be allowed to truly be loved....and i can not wait for that day to truly be loved!

Monday, July 18, 2011

i am alive

I know some of you might not know it is true but i am still alive, it has been a hard couple months but I am doing AMAZING! currently my mark in my English class is at a 69.3% which is GREAT as I only need a 65% to get into my program...only my English Patient final on Tues(tomorrow) and then a week from that I write my street car named desire final and then Thursday the 28th I write my final for the program...I am scared and nervous all at the same time, I know I can do this but it is been one of my hardest trails. my mom has come up for the month to help me and yes that has been a blessing and a struggle all at the same time, I love my mom but we live in 2 very different worlds, but I am so grateful for the help.

I am still not divorced, and as much as I want it tomorrow, I know when the time is right it will all happen. Some days are harder than others but I truly expect that because I did put so much of my time and energy into my marriage and now it is gone. but in the same breath I am glad for the second chance in life.

The kids are doing well....I will try to update a bit more a little later

Thinking of you all and missing being here day life will be a little less crazy!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

in limbo land

So I have decided that this limbo land is no fun, I want to be going one way or another.....and since I am not going to go back to being married it is time to move the game forward a little more, I did email the lawyer 2 weeks ago and he was still waiting on the court order from March 18th. Once that came he said he would start the divorce, but i would like it done sooner than later here....not that I have anyone I am wanting to marry tomorrow, it is just hard to even have male friends because I don't want people to get the wrong idea and heavens what happens if both of us just "click" not by trying but just by simple fact of life of..... boy meet girl, boy starts falling for girl, boy and girl see where it is going and try to stop it....well then boy wants to date girl and well you get the point, not that it is happening but because I am emotionally done,not emotionally better, but done I know I want to move forward and this makes it a long tough trapped type road. Yes, I am to point where I am happy, I am starting to finally figure out me....and Happiness is a huge part that has come back, but there is a small part to that happiness missing, a partner to share the good the bad and the ugly with!
The only nice part is it should not take the full year, as long as the child support stays where it is....that is the hardest part to it all, the kids have to be taken care of before they will put a stamp on it!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

school is doing good!

where to start, if has been awhile since I have been here, life has been a little crazy....trying to get into some new good routines. School has been amazing for me, for many different reasons. Even as I sit writing this I am trying to remember all the grammar and punctuation stuff I have been learning, I know I probably still have issues (wait I KNOW I still have issues) but it is helping me a ton.
My first 2 assignments I got "A" on which made me super happy. HUGE for me, I was the 50% or lower in High School in the lower class I did the English 30-2 (think it was English 33 before) and just barley passed, I am doing the higher English this time so English 30-1 so super huge boost for me, but my first test came back lower than I wanted I got a 59.9% which upset me alot, I thought I had done better but it has made me study a little more, pray a little harder.....try to focus more on what I need and what I want.....I know I can do this....I have the faith in myself...and I NEED to do this for my family.
oh well off to study for the long weekend and read two essay's....excited to move on to essay's!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

137 days!

This was the day I hit the lowest I have been since I was told....

 "I am not sure I want to be married anymore!"

if you have ever been at that moment, you will know how much it hurts and you want to scream and cry, but this day was worse than that, this was the day for the first time I realized I had lost my best friend, I would tell him everything, I would bounce off my ideas with him, I would cry to him.....he was my EVERYTHING, right up till the day I heard him say "I Love You" to some else...At that very moment I turned off all emotions. but this week was a hard week all in all.
I will give you a short run down of why this day came to a head way.....
Friday, I went to Calgary for Time out for Women. I meet Shelly at her house at 10am and we were heading that way by about 11am, we dropped her kids off in Alix at there grandparents house, we then had 2 hours of just the two of us......I enjoyed talking, I look up to Shelly a ton, a widow, a mother of 4,a student, and a caring friend.
Sat was again another full day of TOFW. Amazing learned alot that weekend, I will do a post later about those two days....did a lot for me. Sat we head back home after it was over, about 5pm for we were on our way back to get Shelly's kids and then back to Edmonton.
In this time I was gone, I left my kids with there Dad, at my house. For some reason I had a VERY strong feeling they need to stay home, and not come with me which was not in my plan as I VERY much want to go out and play well in Calgary! (probably why I needed to go home, but still sad, and still not part of my plan)
Sat we got back to Edmonton about 10:30 by the time I dropped off David and go home it was almost midnight, I walked in the door and within a moment I was almost in tears, I was so hurt my house was a disaster, not a good way to end a good weekend. I had a melt down sent a not nice email because I was so hurt, not a nice way to start my first mothers day as a single mom.
Sun I woke up early got ready for church, really didn't want to go but I still went. I struggled with a lot of tears, I was so angry and hurt still, and I was angry for expecting different. Would have been better to think he would do nothing and  come back to that vs thinking something would be done. I had a few more meltdowns, a nap and a few more tears for the day and Joshua asking me if i was going to be okay....after I snapped a few times on him for no reason and all I could say was "yes, one day this will all get better"
I cleaned a bit but was trying to wait till Monday.
Mon I woke up and went on a HUGE I want my house clean moment, actually forgot it was Monday, and forgot Joshua's e-live for school but I got my house somewhat back to a small normalness to totally 100% but alot better than it was. Joshua's teacher called about 4pm and as soon as I heard her voice I went CRAP! I forgot about school. She laughed a little I felt like a idiot....but she told me the testing that the psychiatrist had ordered, went in to late.....needed to be in by middle of April and i didn't get it in till may. So Joshua will have to go to a regular classroom on a IPP, how do I feel about it........I HATE IT, but what can I do about it......NOT A HELL OF ALOT! so now trying to figure out schools!
went to school with Dallin in the morning, then came home a Candice day and then I was trying to finish my school work for class later that night and I got a call from my FSCD worker, holding my breath like what now seeming this week was already going to the rough side....She called to talk about what I was wanting for Dallin for the last 6 months, after almost a hour we had come up with a plan and then it was just waiting for it to be approved by her supervisor.  Then off to school I went, I handed in my assignment and then wrote my first test. At this point was when i started to feel overwhelmed in my own world. I was not sure i could do everything.
today is a Counseling day.....I am so grateful, I have been able to have this in my life, as I have worked through a TON of things with this persons help. I remember being worried a bit when I first started going because I was worried how much this person knew of who I was, and well the knew my significant other in the younger years in life. Let me tell you though, BEST choice ever to put those feelings behind me and just let myself heal and work on healing.
: not that I will talk alot about what is said in this moments as they are truly the most private and personal to me. It is the shaping forming, this person is probably next to God right now on the information he knows, he knows more than anyone I have EVER shared with, I normally leave things out because I don't want to make myself look bad, or I think that I have dealt with something but this time I have put everything out there good and bad, from present to past....super tough some days...
the thing that really stood out to me today was: the link between Abuse and Acceptable and how for me they go hand in hand alot.....sadly!
I got a new freezer today so now I can actually shop properly and make meals in advance, what a amazing thing!
was another crazy day, school, therapy, and school for me.....slowly figuring it out, though I feel like this grammar unit might kill me. My mind was still going a TON today thinking back to yesterday and all the things we went through, I got my test back from Tuesday my heart almost dropped as I looked at the paper, I thought I had done alot better but I got 59.9% I wanted so bad to cry, I needed a higher mark and I thought I truly had understood it.
Friday the 13th the best day right??? NOT!
I started my day off with 2 team meeting for the boys where we sit and talk very shortly about the positive gains and strengths, and then you focus the next hour and a half on the negative and what we need to work on. I think for anyone that would be the hardest thing to sit and do, now do it for 2 kids back to back :(
I know that these programs are to help the kids and I know without a doubt they are helping my boys, they have grown and changed a TON, yes we have some bad day but for the most part they are getting so good. I am not afraid to leave my house every day along anymore which a GREAT thing!
what is one more day to throw me over the edge, tonight the edge was the closest I had ever seen, this was the 137day!
facebook status tonight was :in the 137 days I have been single, I have never been as lonely as I am today.....I miss someone beside me helping me through the tough and crappy days, I miss coming home and talking about the 3hr meeting I had about the boys today...I miss someone to say I love you too, and cuddle on the hard days....I know it is worth it but today SUCKS!

no one can take away that pain from the very moment, and unless you have been there that moment...the panic attack kicked in huge that night, but as a dear friend sat and talked to me, i stop to see the blessing I do have in my life. I have 3 AMAZING kids who are teaching me a ton, I have AMAZING friends close and some very far but they are there to just talk when I need to talk, cry when I need to cry and you cant replace that ever and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for the people that have been placed in my life to help me.
today....i hate Saturday's I have to drive the kids somewhere to see there Father, and then I wait around as it is normally only a hour or 2 so I dont want to go far as I dont want to waste a TON of gas especially with the price of it right now. But today I went to Ikea after I dropped them off because I was on a mission I wanted a new kitchen table because the other one was ready to fall apart. I had a dollar amount in my mind of what I wanted to spend. I found on in the As-Is section for half the price i was willing to spend, and the only reason it was there was it was missing it's box.....SOLD! I was done and happy, got it in the van with the help of a nice lady and then back to pick up kids....and Dallin's comment as he gets in the van was..."mom, is this coming home to be apart of our family?" I chuckled a little and said it sure it!
i was still so tired and burnt out from this whole week, it was very very emotional to me, but I made a super nice dinner and focused on us....and focused on a new week.....some days and some weeks are so emotional. I know I am being blessed for this trial but someone days it is the hardest trial in the world but I would not even give it to my worst enemy.

I think the hardest part to this all is most people get to walk away from, the Ex-spouse,partner whatever they may be and that is it, I will never be able to walk away from this person, I don't want him dead or anything like this, just not a person I would want to hang out with and have a party with anymore if that makes any sense......but he is the kids Father and over time we need to slowly learn how to work together and make a pleasant world for the kids. I hope one day he can see that part too.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

treadmill vs outside running

so I have been doing awsome running on the treadmill, I was up to almost 20mins of full running on my treadmill but i think my treadmill hit its last life last night, the belt has been sliding over for awhile and I cant get it to stay anymore :( so I thought I would go for a run outside, I need to know that feeling in your legs when they just want to go and so I was like I am going....
so i went and ran around the block only probably 10mins but I struggled to run the entire time, but I am proud with the fact I didn't give took me awhile to learn inside so assume it would be the same outside, but it was nice to feel the wind against my face! something I need to still do once I am in school....I need to still take that time for me, I am sure it will all help with the stress....

what is your favorite running song?