so I have been doing awsome running on the treadmill, I was up to almost 20mins of full running on my treadmill but i think my treadmill hit its last life last night, the belt has been sliding over for awhile and I cant get it to stay anymore :( so I thought I would go for a run outside, I need to run....you know that feeling in your legs when they just want to go and so I was like I am going....
so i went and ran around the block only probably 10mins but I struggled to run the entire time, but I am proud with the fact I didn't give up....it took me awhile to learn inside so assume it would be the same outside, but it was nice to feel the wind against my face! something I need to still do once I am in school....I need to still take that time for me, I am sure it will all help with the stress....
what is your favorite running song?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Find The Beat Again
finding the beat again, wow life is about to take a huge change for me.....I did not know for sure till Thursday morning, but I start school on Tuesday, I am so excited and so scared all in one! as I have not been to school in many years and English was the course I struggled with the most but here I am, I am about to do my English 30 so I can get into Grant McEwan in September, I need to give them my marks in May saying I am doing awsome in my English course....and then I can go to school. I know without a doubt this is going to be a hard task but I know that there are many positives from this, my kids will learn how important school is, I will gain some self confidence in myself and in the end I will be able to support my family better.
I will need all the prayers and happy thoughts from everyone as I need to get a 65% in my English class, I have never got over a 60% so please keep me in your thoughts for the next few months! my course is from April till July and then....off to big kids school as my kids call it!
The end result from school would be.....Special Needs teacher assistant!
I will need all the prayers and happy thoughts from everyone as I need to get a 65% in my English class, I have never got over a 60% so please keep me in your thoughts for the next few months! my course is from April till July and then....off to big kids school as my kids call it!
The end result from school would be.....Special Needs teacher assistant!
feelings close to my heart.....me talking about my church feelings and emotions
it is not very often I talk alot about my beliefs but sometimes I think i should do more of it, and if I offended people well, they will get over it or forget about me. I am who I am, I am made whole each day because someone cared for me and gave up his life for the world.
As I sat last night in the Edmonton Temple I felt something I have not felt so strongly in a long time, I have been working so hard on what a relationship is to me and what is involved in that relationship good and bad! and many tears have come in the last week as I was challenged to write this out, and it has been interesting to just type and not think about it, and then go back and read it. My heart has been full and my heart has been broken a little more than it was, as I realize more of the lies I was living in sadly.....the tears came
As I sat in the temple (if you want more info on the temple) I watched few people, the person going to the temple for the first time and the memories and feelings that were there, and then I watched a person who I look up to he was the "best man" at our wedding, and well currently he is a best man, he is still active in the church and able to be in the temple! and I watched him, memories flood of the day I got married and how special that was to me, my of my dreams was fulled....but that dream has sort of been broken into a thousand pieces, no one ever goes into a marriage thinking they are going to walk away with a divorce or why would we do it, but heaven it hurts more some days then others. And then there was a third person there, who has been my support through this trial, my bishop.....I never thought it would be emotional to be there well he was there, but I was wrong because as I sat there, the memories and the talks we have had to get me there came back, he was the one to take a chance with me and challenge me to go back in Feb, and I remember saying I am not sure I can do this, and he said you can do it! and I sat there last night and at the end with tears in my eyes...he said "you in the right place" and more tears and emotions came out. i know more than ever I am in the right place, but being in the right place is not always the easiest, or the most accepted place!
the person that I could feel the most last night was my Heavenly Father with his arms wrapped around me, giving me the little push saying go forward with faith you can do this next step. I know there are some huge changes coming but I know without a doubt that they will all be GREAT changes. I know going to school as scared as I am will be a AMAZING thing, I know I am going to grow and change so much. but as I sat there and listen and thought about Easter coming up I also thought of the things that that means to me....and what that meant to Christ. He hung on a cross for us with nails in his hands and also in his wrists because they were afraid of the weight tearing, well heck even then I think is going to, but even if you take a small moment and think about what that would feel like to you, that intense pain that must of been for him, but he did it for us so we could be able to return to our Father one day, I look forward to that day and I hope to be able to say " I did all i could, i served and loved as you would have asked us to do!"
to go with Easter here is a Reflections of Christ Slideshow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oteno81QzzQ&feature=related
As I sat last night in the Edmonton Temple I felt something I have not felt so strongly in a long time, I have been working so hard on what a relationship is to me and what is involved in that relationship good and bad! and many tears have come in the last week as I was challenged to write this out, and it has been interesting to just type and not think about it, and then go back and read it. My heart has been full and my heart has been broken a little more than it was, as I realize more of the lies I was living in sadly.....the tears came
As I sat in the temple (if you want more info on the temple) I watched few people, the person going to the temple for the first time and the memories and feelings that were there, and then I watched a person who I look up to he was the "best man" at our wedding, and well currently he is a best man, he is still active in the church and able to be in the temple! and I watched him, memories flood of the day I got married and how special that was to me, my of my dreams was fulled....but that dream has sort of been broken into a thousand pieces, no one ever goes into a marriage thinking they are going to walk away with a divorce or why would we do it, but heaven it hurts more some days then others. And then there was a third person there, who has been my support through this trial, my bishop.....I never thought it would be emotional to be there well he was there, but I was wrong because as I sat there, the memories and the talks we have had to get me there came back, he was the one to take a chance with me and challenge me to go back in Feb, and I remember saying I am not sure I can do this, and he said you can do it! and I sat there last night and at the end with tears in my eyes...he said "you in the right place" and more tears and emotions came out. i know more than ever I am in the right place, but being in the right place is not always the easiest, or the most accepted place!
the person that I could feel the most last night was my Heavenly Father with his arms wrapped around me, giving me the little push saying go forward with faith you can do this next step. I know there are some huge changes coming but I know without a doubt that they will all be GREAT changes. I know going to school as scared as I am will be a AMAZING thing, I know I am going to grow and change so much. but as I sat there and listen and thought about Easter coming up I also thought of the things that that means to me....and what that meant to Christ. He hung on a cross for us with nails in his hands and also in his wrists because they were afraid of the weight tearing, well heck even then I think is going to, but even if you take a small moment and think about what that would feel like to you, that intense pain that must of been for him, but he did it for us so we could be able to return to our Father one day, I look forward to that day and I hope to be able to say " I did all i could, i served and loved as you would have asked us to do!"
to go with Easter here is a Reflections of Christ Slideshow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oteno81QzzQ&feature=related
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Grey's Anatomy Musical- Ending song
this song, just hit me....I wish I had the someone I was "made" for!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
the winds of change and thinking
I guess the winds of change have come, it is interesting to watch, as I have wrote in my own personal journal almost every day since Jan, and now it is starting to fall back a bit, I tend to fail at journal writing when I am happier, and tend to leave the happy moments and I know that is wrong so my goal right now is to at least write once a week.
Some thing came to me as I was talking to a person who I had not seen in about 3 or 4 yrs, this was a person I grew up with and totally looked up too and as I tried to dance around what my life has been come, sort of out of I don't want to bore people and sort of out of I get tired of people thinking my life sucks and then I HUGE part is that I failed.......now I know I did have parts to it, but for me to think I failed is WRONG!
but as I talked to this person for a few mins he knew I was hiding my life and I knew he knew that and finally I was like well I am going through a divorce
S was like "I am sorry to hear that"
my instant responds today was...."don't be, my life is better now, I know there is a plan, and that I will be okay" I have not sat back and been sad that he left, it was his choice, not mine, he made the choice to walk away from his family, he made the choice to not get help with our marriage when he thought it needed help, granted he said he did say he tried talking to me and I know there was moments of toughness which every marriage has, but I NEVER saw that our marriage was that gone, I was even up till the moment he told me, totally in love with David, and I spent all Christmas trying to find the "perfect" gift to help him as I knew he was not happy but could not figure out what was causing it all.
as I look back on my facebook comments for the month of December I should have seen something here is a few:
Dec.13
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
Dec.15
sometimes finding the wording you need to a question is not always a easy as you think it should be........What do you belief and what do belief in are LARGE questions that can be easily answered except when you need to put it in writing and then all words run away :)
Dec 17
Is tired...............I need some things to be different soon, I can’t handle all the stresses.....................the good, and the bad.........I just want to figure out where my peace is this month!
Dec 24
To bed I go this was one long day and I am sure tomorrow is going to feel close to the same way........try hard to find joy and peace in everything right now....trying to figure me out......sleep might help!
Dec.27
dance like no one is watching, love like no one is watching, be who you are even if some one is watching just be the best YOU who ever that is just be the person you NEED to be!
(this was the night David told me he was not sure he wanted to be married anymore, so our last date night EVER!)
Dec. 28
"Discontent occurs when our outer experiences aren't matching our inner desires....in the early stages, discontent is fairly easy to overlook or conceal from ourselves, but like a glowing ember, the heat of discontent builds slowly over time until it is blazing fire that needs full attention
Dec.29
Trying hard to find peace.....just not totally sure where to look today!
Dec.30
I am up and not happy about it.....ummmm hopefully I can go back to sleep maybe should be one of those crazy people and go running in the morning.....nope sleep I think it is, let hope my mind will shut off and go back to sleep!
my eyes are so sore from all the tears.....I hope 2011 turns out to be a GREAT year.....trying to find the balance between it all....it has been along 5 yrs, I just need to figure out how to be the best mom and the best wife and have the balance it takes to give them all what they need I love my A.David Mousir so much, I just hope he can truly see that...I have my weakness I know I am not perfect but I am trying....
Jan 1
well welcome 2011......I see this month at least being a tough one but this could be longer.....hopefully not, now to do my emails to see I can change when kids are going to school so I don't spread myself out too thin!
Jan2
has a little more peace today.... thankful for a bishop who trys to help us through our tough times.....but I know this is going to be a rough start to the New Year lets hope it gets better from here...I know it is not going to get better over night but lets hope sooner than later!
(the first meeting with the bishop, David said he would stay and try to work on the marriage)
Jan 3
blah and but i have found a little peace, trying to see the sun shining through the clouds....love is not something you are just given you need to earn it....but we all do deserve some love!
Jan 5
slowly finding me amongst the craziness of life been nice to focus on me for a few days I feel AMAZING! now to keep it going!
(tonight was the worst night ever! I will add this post in one day......but this is the day, I found out about the other woman being more than a friend, this was a person, I had asked for him to delete from his friends for a while now, but he told me that she was just a "friend")
Jan6
is done like a turkey.........
....trying to be positive with all that has happened....I know I have a long road of tears but I know things are going to turn out for the BEST.....2011 is going to be a good year at least that is what I am telling myself......positive thinking remember :)
(David flat out lied to the bishop again, after telling me earlier in the day he was done and was not going to try and more, told the bishop he would still keep trying!)
Jan 7
I hurt so much today.....everyone says that this gets easier but I lack the patience I want it better NOW or maybe even yesterday....I didn't ask for this pain EVER
Jan 9
is thankful for family and friends who are supporting me through this rough spot it means alot, I really thought I was going to be alone.....I am at least not alone in the "facebook world"
(I told this bishop today it was done, there was no going back on this, i hurt but I was DONE!)
Jan11
yes I am a angry person right now, and I don't know how to change that right now, and I might be a horrible person for that......it is going to take more than 2 weeks to be able to honestly deal with this and alot of counseling......I need to relearn who I am and what that means.......and rethink my hopes and dreams......and hope I am able to get past my anger some
Jan 12
I know I am not perfect but I do know that I am worth and I deserve to be loved!
Jan 16
......hurt and anger sadly get you a clean house :) feeling nice, still have a LONG way to get it where I want it but 1.5 rooms closer to my home......
(the day after David left)
Jan 19
to say one person didn't try in a relationship would mean you gave them the info to let them try and make it better.....to walk away with it all bottled up doesn't help anyone....failure to try doesn't help anyone most of all yourself!
Jan 21
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.
--Barbara De Angelis
is thankful for Jesus Moreno who kept me company for the evening making me laugh, I so much being close to him and all the guys, they know how to make a person feel super special these boys have good moms back in Mexico....they have been taught well!
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okay it was maybe a little more than a few, but I can see the good days even now that I know on the bad days, I was letting my emotions or a fight I had with David control how I have felt.
I am stronger today that I have been in a LONG time..... I know they say the normal grieving time is about 2 yrs, I am really for the most part done grieving him, I miss being married, I miss having a best friend to talk to to share my excitement and my joys and the kids joys, but I don't miss feeling like I could not go out, I don't miss feeling like I need to keep my testimony or belief in my God quiet and feel like I was not allowed to be to strong in my belief, I don't miss feeling like I was dumb, I don't miss feeling like I did not know how to cook (my kids have lived this far) I don't miss feeling lonely even when I had a partner in my home with me.......I feel AMAZING, I LOVE doing things for me, I have LOVED going to play basketball, I know I am not the best at it but no one makes me feel dumb, if I do something wrong they help me.....I love having friends to talk to on the tough days, I love finding me and I am loving the fact that I am finding my self confidence that I am not sure I have had in many years, I still struggle daily wondering if people like me even though I know there are people that do, I struggle daily thinking I am not the best mom...but by who's bar?, I struggle with the positiveness I need to know I will do good in school (I am scared as hell about that one), I struggle daily with feeling less than perfect, I struggle daily with my self esteem but I know it is all slowly coming together and I know that I will be the best me soon here and I know the best me will be AMAZING! (I had to put that out there, not feeling it yet but trying too)
Thank S for making me think!
Some thing came to me as I was talking to a person who I had not seen in about 3 or 4 yrs, this was a person I grew up with and totally looked up too and as I tried to dance around what my life has been come, sort of out of I don't want to bore people and sort of out of I get tired of people thinking my life sucks and then I HUGE part is that I failed.......now I know I did have parts to it, but for me to think I failed is WRONG!
but as I talked to this person for a few mins he knew I was hiding my life and I knew he knew that and finally I was like well I am going through a divorce
S was like "I am sorry to hear that"
my instant responds today was...."don't be, my life is better now, I know there is a plan, and that I will be okay" I have not sat back and been sad that he left, it was his choice, not mine, he made the choice to walk away from his family, he made the choice to not get help with our marriage when he thought it needed help, granted he said he did say he tried talking to me and I know there was moments of toughness which every marriage has, but I NEVER saw that our marriage was that gone, I was even up till the moment he told me, totally in love with David, and I spent all Christmas trying to find the "perfect" gift to help him as I knew he was not happy but could not figure out what was causing it all.
as I look back on my facebook comments for the month of December I should have seen something here is a few:
Dec.13
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
Dec.15
sometimes finding the wording you need to a question is not always a easy as you think it should be........What do you belief and what do belief in are LARGE questions that can be easily answered except when you need to put it in writing and then all words run away :)
Dec 17
Is tired...............I need some things to be different soon, I can’t handle all the stresses.....................the good, and the bad.........I just want to figure out where my peace is this month!
Dec 24
To bed I go this was one long day and I am sure tomorrow is going to feel close to the same way........try hard to find joy and peace in everything right now....trying to figure me out......sleep might help!
Dec.27
dance like no one is watching, love like no one is watching, be who you are even if some one is watching just be the best YOU who ever that is just be the person you NEED to be!
(this was the night David told me he was not sure he wanted to be married anymore, so our last date night EVER!)
Dec. 28
"Discontent occurs when our outer experiences aren't matching our inner desires....in the early stages, discontent is fairly easy to overlook or conceal from ourselves, but like a glowing ember, the heat of discontent builds slowly over time until it is blazing fire that needs full attention
Dec.29
Trying hard to find peace.....just not totally sure where to look today!
Dec.30
I am up and not happy about it.....ummmm hopefully I can go back to sleep maybe should be one of those crazy people and go running in the morning.....nope sleep I think it is, let hope my mind will shut off and go back to sleep!
my eyes are so sore from all the tears.....I hope 2011 turns out to be a GREAT year.....trying to find the balance between it all....it has been along 5 yrs, I just need to figure out how to be the best mom and the best wife and have the balance it takes to give them all what they need I love my A.David Mousir so much, I just hope he can truly see that...I have my weakness I know I am not perfect but I am trying....
Jan 1
well welcome 2011......I see this month at least being a tough one but this could be longer.....hopefully not, now to do my emails to see I can change when kids are going to school so I don't spread myself out too thin!
Jan2
has a little more peace today.... thankful for a bishop who trys to help us through our tough times.....but I know this is going to be a rough start to the New Year lets hope it gets better from here...I know it is not going to get better over night but lets hope sooner than later!
(the first meeting with the bishop, David said he would stay and try to work on the marriage)
Jan 3
blah and but i have found a little peace, trying to see the sun shining through the clouds....love is not something you are just given you need to earn it....but we all do deserve some love!
Jan 5
slowly finding me amongst the craziness of life been nice to focus on me for a few days I feel AMAZING! now to keep it going!
(tonight was the worst night ever! I will add this post in one day......but this is the day, I found out about the other woman being more than a friend, this was a person, I had asked for him to delete from his friends for a while now, but he told me that she was just a "friend")
Jan6
is done like a turkey.........
....trying to be positive with all that has happened....I know I have a long road of tears but I know things are going to turn out for the BEST.....2011 is going to be a good year at least that is what I am telling myself......positive thinking remember :)
(David flat out lied to the bishop again, after telling me earlier in the day he was done and was not going to try and more, told the bishop he would still keep trying!)
Jan 7
I hurt so much today.....everyone says that this gets easier but I lack the patience I want it better NOW or maybe even yesterday....I didn't ask for this pain EVER
Jan 9
is thankful for family and friends who are supporting me through this rough spot it means alot, I really thought I was going to be alone.....I am at least not alone in the "facebook world"
(I told this bishop today it was done, there was no going back on this, i hurt but I was DONE!)
Jan11
yes I am a angry person right now, and I don't know how to change that right now, and I might be a horrible person for that......it is going to take more than 2 weeks to be able to honestly deal with this and alot of counseling......I need to relearn who I am and what that means.......and rethink my hopes and dreams......and hope I am able to get past my anger some
Jan 12
I know I am not perfect but I do know that I am worth and I deserve to be loved!
Jan 16
......hurt and anger sadly get you a clean house :) feeling nice, still have a LONG way to get it where I want it but 1.5 rooms closer to my home......
(the day after David left)
Jan 19
to say one person didn't try in a relationship would mean you gave them the info to let them try and make it better.....to walk away with it all bottled up doesn't help anyone....failure to try doesn't help anyone most of all yourself!
Jan 21
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.
--Barbara De Angelis
is thankful for Jesus Moreno who kept me company for the evening making me laugh, I so much being close to him and all the guys, they know how to make a person feel super special these boys have good moms back in Mexico....they have been taught well!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
okay it was maybe a little more than a few, but I can see the good days even now that I know on the bad days, I was letting my emotions or a fight I had with David control how I have felt.
I am stronger today that I have been in a LONG time..... I know they say the normal grieving time is about 2 yrs, I am really for the most part done grieving him, I miss being married, I miss having a best friend to talk to to share my excitement and my joys and the kids joys, but I don't miss feeling like I could not go out, I don't miss feeling like I need to keep my testimony or belief in my God quiet and feel like I was not allowed to be to strong in my belief, I don't miss feeling like I was dumb, I don't miss feeling like I did not know how to cook (my kids have lived this far) I don't miss feeling lonely even when I had a partner in my home with me.......I feel AMAZING, I LOVE doing things for me, I have LOVED going to play basketball, I know I am not the best at it but no one makes me feel dumb, if I do something wrong they help me.....I love having friends to talk to on the tough days, I love finding me and I am loving the fact that I am finding my self confidence that I am not sure I have had in many years, I still struggle daily wondering if people like me even though I know there are people that do, I struggle daily thinking I am not the best mom...but by who's bar?, I struggle with the positiveness I need to know I will do good in school (I am scared as hell about that one), I struggle daily with feeling less than perfect, I struggle daily with my self esteem but I know it is all slowly coming together and I know that I will be the best me soon here and I know the best me will be AMAZING! (I had to put that out there, not feeling it yet but trying too)
Thank S for making me think!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
The further away I get from the toxic mess that was my marriage and the tragic person I used to be, the better I see how truly messed up the whole situation was.
I've had recent exposure to more of his emotional abuse lately, and having been away from it for a while it comes as a startling surprise that abuse is exactly what I was exposed to, and unfortunately it's not all past tense.
I know I'm not the same person I used to be, but am I strong enough now to deal with more devastating blows from him?
I know for a fact that he will lash out in my direction again more than once and in all his classic ways. I have that same knot in my stomach of ugly anticipation, my hands start shaking, my heart pounding, and am fighting with all that I have not to run or buckle. but when it comes, I can now stop and say (with the help of a great counsellor) what is the immediate danger here? where is your bar? and who set that bar? who set your guilt? YES, he does have the ability to say the right things to hurt, BUT I have the choice of how I react to it all and in the end am I being the best me in that moment?
I'm stronger now than I have ever been, because I support and tools, I still feel fragile at times when I'm dealing with him,but this is my time to stand up for me. finally finding my voice.
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I have had many tears and many panic attacks that I was not going to be a good enough mom, that I am going to let my kids down, that I would never be loved again.....but I know that is now not true at all....the kids are doing well with everything probably better than me sadly but at that very same point we have picked up and moved on pretty good. To honestly say that I have not cried or morned for my marriage would be a lie BUT to say that I have looked back and saw now what life was and to say I don't want that is about where I am.
I am getting stronger every day, and every week. I was very much questioning everything from who I was to what I believed in....this shock me right to very bottom of my own foundation BUT I stood up and became the person I know that my Heavenly Father would be proud of. I don't always talk religion because I know some get uneasy by it so if that is you, just skip over this part!
I have amazing Bishop who has worked very closely with me to find my spiritual well being, I lacked self confidence in many areas of my life and this was one of them, I thought by this point God did not love me, I made some bad choice to try and make myself feel good and bad through it all, some of them I am proud of and some of them I an not so proud of, but the bishops counsel was to go to the temple, find the feeling you need.
I then went to my counselling appointment the next week and told him how I had felt and his counsel then was go once a week till you can feel the peace, he said is normally 3 to 4 weeks, but the first time is normally the angry which made me feel so much better! I am normal :)
I have continued to go once a week since and just so amazing how it has changed how i deal with life, I am not as over whelmed by it all, I seem to be able to do it better.....than I was better, not to say I have not had tears or anger since but I am able to deal with it all a little better, I know without a doubt I am on the right track and one day the divorce will be done and I will truly be able to move forward with my life and find the happiness I deserve!
_____________________________________________________________________________
Big moments that had happened:
I have started counselling--best choice I have EVER made as I am trully finding out WHO I am and slow getting a little of a back bone, and the power to stand up for me and the kids.
I have applied for school--I start April 26th doing my English 30 and if all goes right I will enter into Grant MacEwan in Sept for a Special Needs Teacher Assistant.
I have started to go to a women's basketball night every Thursday, I am not the best but when I do something awesome they make me feel awesome for it which is helping me tons! little did they know they would be a form of counselling :)
Lots of little things too but the sun is starting to shine and the clouds are slowly starting to move to the side which makes everything a little better!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Lonley nights
Lonley nights.......oh what do you do.....I could clean but really how much fun would that be? I could pack more of David's things but again what fun would that be?
I am trying not to get depressed but I think I am slowly slipping there.....I know that this is the right choice beyond all other things but it is not easy, I miss being able to go out by myself and just wonder walmart or superstore just to do things to make me smile.....now I sit here wondering if the silence well ever go away, I just want someone to talk too and not feel like I am bugging someone.....
I have not add back any of my inlaws even though they have asked because I just feel I need some space from them right now, I need to know I have 1 safe spot to vent and be angry I am so tired of hearing that I should not be angry anymore......he has only been gone a week and 4 days I only got about a months notice that my life was not going to be how I pictured anymore that is alot for a person to take
I am trying not to get depressed but I think I am slowly slipping there.....I know that this is the right choice beyond all other things but it is not easy, I miss being able to go out by myself and just wonder walmart or superstore just to do things to make me smile.....now I sit here wondering if the silence well ever go away, I just want someone to talk too and not feel like I am bugging someone.....
I have not add back any of my inlaws even though they have asked because I just feel I need some space from them right now, I need to know I have 1 safe spot to vent and be angry I am so tired of hearing that I should not be angry anymore......he has only been gone a week and 4 days I only got about a months notice that my life was not going to be how I pictured anymore that is alot for a person to take
Saturday, January 22, 2011
the hardest post to do for me.....
probably the hardest post a person has to do......
I wish this was easier........
to say I knew it was coming would be a lie.... to say now looking back that I shouldn't have saw it would be a lie....
About this time a week ago, David moved out of the house!
Is this a temporary thing? NO sadly I wish I could say it was because I truly do love him, well that is not totally true, I love the David I married, this is not him. David has changed alot some good things and some bad, but on Dec 27th David told me that he was not sure he wanted to be apart of the "family" anymore he loved the kids but he was no longer sure he loved me!
Looking back after 3 weeks that was the day the marriage was truly done from there on it was over sadly he said he would try but there was never a "try" the 3 weeks living together was the hardest thing for me, I heard him say things a wife should NEVER have to hear or see from there spouse to other people, but it sadly gave me the closure I need to be able to move forward.
I wish there was a easy answer to this all, I wish I didn't have to grieve through this death, but I know I am healing and moving forward....I know there I will be loved again, and my kids will be able to see a healthy loving marriage again, my heart aches for them, I wish they NEVER had to go through this but it will make them stronger in the end, heck even this week that he has been gone I have seen them step up and be strong little kids they have said things that break my heart and then they have said things that make me so proud. I love my kids so much, I know that is Davids reason for walking away, because I spent to much time on the kids but would I change that for a moment.........HELL NO, I know I have done what is right for my kids through all of there struggles, and they are the kids they are because I have spent so much time with them I am thankful for the chance I had to do that, I am sad that they will go back into the school system next year but at that same point it will be a good thing for them, and I will hopefully be going with them well not with them but back to school as well to better myself and support my kids and my family the best I can!
I am thankful for a God that Loves me and is helping through this spot and for friends and family that are standing behind me and cheering me along the way, I know I have done alot of this myself for along time, I guess it is just different now not having anyone else to blame if things don't get done! but I am stepping up to the plate and doing the best I can and I know I will raise more than I have in the last 7 yrs since becoming a mom, I am truly excited to see what is at the end of this rainbow :)
I wish this was easier........
to say I knew it was coming would be a lie.... to say now looking back that I shouldn't have saw it would be a lie....
About this time a week ago, David moved out of the house!
Is this a temporary thing? NO sadly I wish I could say it was because I truly do love him, well that is not totally true, I love the David I married, this is not him. David has changed alot some good things and some bad, but on Dec 27th David told me that he was not sure he wanted to be apart of the "family" anymore he loved the kids but he was no longer sure he loved me!
Looking back after 3 weeks that was the day the marriage was truly done from there on it was over sadly he said he would try but there was never a "try" the 3 weeks living together was the hardest thing for me, I heard him say things a wife should NEVER have to hear or see from there spouse to other people, but it sadly gave me the closure I need to be able to move forward.
I wish there was a easy answer to this all, I wish I didn't have to grieve through this death, but I know I am healing and moving forward....I know there I will be loved again, and my kids will be able to see a healthy loving marriage again, my heart aches for them, I wish they NEVER had to go through this but it will make them stronger in the end, heck even this week that he has been gone I have seen them step up and be strong little kids they have said things that break my heart and then they have said things that make me so proud. I love my kids so much, I know that is Davids reason for walking away, because I spent to much time on the kids but would I change that for a moment.........HELL NO, I know I have done what is right for my kids through all of there struggles, and they are the kids they are because I have spent so much time with them I am thankful for the chance I had to do that, I am sad that they will go back into the school system next year but at that same point it will be a good thing for them, and I will hopefully be going with them well not with them but back to school as well to better myself and support my kids and my family the best I can!
I am thankful for a God that Loves me and is helping through this spot and for friends and family that are standing behind me and cheering me along the way, I know I have done alot of this myself for along time, I guess it is just different now not having anyone else to blame if things don't get done! but I am stepping up to the plate and doing the best I can and I know I will raise more than I have in the last 7 yrs since becoming a mom, I am truly excited to see what is at the end of this rainbow :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
our snow storm
This is some pictures from our snow strom the other day.....it was a pain to drive in......but we have made it through it all!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Our Family Letter for 2010
O ur Family Newsletter
The purpose of a holiday newsletter is to keep friends and family updated on the events in your family’s life and share holiday greetings across the miles. So here we go…..
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all, I was not going to write a family letter this year because I thought who would want to hear about our crazy year but then I thought really we have had some good moments, It has been a TOUGH year to say the least but a year of learning and growing and becoming a stronger family unit and hey we came out with our heads above water in the end, things are starting to look up.
The year in review
David was on WCB this year still from the accident in 2008, David was working Part time at Big Rock communications in Okotoks as this was what WCB wanted, in June David was told he could go back to work Full time and that he was fine by WCB, so David went on medical EI as he was not fine his headaches and shaking and almost passing out where not getting better and after working 6hrs he would come home and sleep, making it hard for me to work as well. So July started the fun David gave his notice to Big Rock and we gave our notice at our current rental unit, as we would not be able to afford it without WCB.
We knew David needed to be in Edmonton for medical doctors (his family doctor is there) and the schooling options for the kids was better, so we put everything in storage for the time till we were able to get housing through Edmonton housing.
Aug till September was our big trip….look down a ways to see where we went…
In September we came back to Edmonton as we were told by EI if we did not we would be cut off, we had no place to live when we came back but we followed what we were told and hoped things would fall into place, we camped the first 3 days which was not too bad, many tears were shed by David and I as we worried what life was going to be like, as we came back on the Friday, Monday morning we went to Social assistance another HARD step in our life as we have been able to provide for our family up till this point, I think I cried so much during that that the lady thought I was crazy but this was a HARD thing. But on Tuesday they put us into a motel till we could find something, not a shining moment again but it was not a tent which was nice as it was getting cold. After a week of being there and nothing happening I did call a MLA and see if there was anyway to make finding housing a little easier as we seemed to be slipping through a lot of cracks and it was becoming hard on the kids and us, we were in a room with 2 beds and a kitchen, the kitchen was nice but it was hard to be in that small of a place, on Sept 16 we were able to get into our own home through Edmonton housing 2 and a half weeks of not knowing is along time when you have kids who NEED structure so I am glad that it moved quickly. And we are slowly starting to adjust to a smaller place; we know in 2011 we will move again within Edmonton housing as this is not big enough for what we need because all 3 kids are in the same room right now because we need a place for therapy for Dallin, but its a place where we are safe.
Hoping for many good things to come in 2011.
Update the kids:
Dallin, turned 7 this year and has come along so much, watching him learn and grow is such a joy and a blessing, I have enjoyed homeschooling Dallin for the last couple years, but as of November I am now sharing that with a teacher through Edmonton Public, he is in a reach out program and we are working to try and get Dallin back into a classroom that will work for him and allow him to grow and become more and more amazing. Dallin teaches us so many new and amazing things and to learn how to think within his box and outside of his box!
Dallin is still doing Therapy for the Autism 10hrs a week which has helped him come along way, in Feb they (the government) will decided how much he will get for another year, but from 4yrs ago our little boy has changed so much, he know can fully communicate with us, there are days we still use some signing or pictures but less and less mainly now when he is stressed, we are working his anxiety levels as they are still very high, Dallin finds is very tough to go out in the real world as the sounds are a lot, if stop and think when you are in a store about all the different things going on and then to a child with extremely sensitive hearing think of all the extra stuff he hears that we don’t even think of. I know Dallin will change and grow some more this year and I am looking forward to it. He is a true blessing to our family he loves and cares for his siblings so much now, to even think oh his Christmas list he wanted to put the things his siblings wanted so they would be happy, bless his little heart, I hope he always remains so sweet and kind as he gets older.
Dallin is still in love with his Pet shop animals and is starting to want his own animals, he told us he wants a fish because it would be a quiet pet!
Joshua turned 6 this year, for some of the year Joshua has had specialized services as well to help his with some of his challenges, but at the end of July the Calgary office said he was considered mild which means you fall between the cracks in the system, so we are trying to get Joshua the services he needs as his ADHD (well the label the doctors gave him in Calgary….not the one I think he has but another topic) is becoming harder to handle with age, he is a very very smart boy when he puts it in the effort, Joshua is being homeschooled this year as well, but doing a online component and loving it, he loves this computer a little to much some days in my mind for his age, but I am told this is normal now! Joshua is working so hard his speech delay is there a little still but nowhere close to where we were, Good Job Joshua on your hard work. Joshua still loves his cars and can’t wait for Disney’s Cars 2 to come out next year. He loves those fast cars!
Sara turned 4 this year where has time gone, it feels like just yesterday that she was born! A lot has happened in those 4 yrs for everyone in our family.
Sara is a true girl, FULL of drama we have never seen. She has taught us all a ton, she is very patient until it is something she wants and then she wants it right now, she struggled really hard this summer with the boys both have a aid or a friend as we call them and she was so alone, I think it was the first time that all this therapy the boys are doing became super hard on her. She loves her brothers and very much wants to help them all the time, if the don’t get what they are asked to do quick enough she is one of the first people to tell them again or bring it too them. Sara has learned a lot of skills early in her life, she amazes me every day, she dresses her self might not be what I like but hey she did it! And currently we are learning to spell our name as September Sara will be able to go to kindergarten, and I know that will be an AMAZING thing for her she wants to get out and see the world but at that same point a momma girl, I will take it well I can I am sure it will change later in life.
A special message from our family
I would like to thank all our family and friends that have helped us this year to continue to make it amazing for our kids so that they have not noticed many of the struggles, we truly feel loved. We miss those that were close to us in Calgary, and we miss those that are in Ontario and who have still not meet us all, you are all in our thoughts and prayers
I know I have not put a ton of things on this letter, but if you ever want to keep up with our family feel free to check out our family blog, I do try to keep it some what up to date but some months are harder than others depending what is going on. W e love to hear from everyone. We hope everyone a happy and safe 2011 and that you are able to find the peace in your lives that you need.
Season’s greetings!
From the Mousir Family
David, Christine, Dallin, Joshua and Sara
….We all fall down, it is the getting back up that really counts. We all live and we all learn to help someone up when it is there turn! In life there in only one guarantee…. Your feet won’t always be on the ground, as we all fall down sometimes!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Our trip to build a bear
The Bears/Dogs before they got life
Listening to the instructions and getting them there life/stuffing!
Giving them there air baths to get rid of the extra hairs
Getting them all dress because you know stuffies need clothes too!
at the computers to name there bears/dogs
Dallin's bear is Colorful
Joshua's dog is Buddy
Sara's bear is FairyJoshua's dog is Buddy
Before we left the mall we took a couple photos around the trees with our new friends!
Aunty Tara trying to take a nap with all the new friends!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Day 15- pictures of your Dream house
Day 15- pictures of your Dream house
I am want a pretty simple house I would like all the bedrooms on one floor
Would love a amazing play room for the kids to play in, with a slide going down to the play room...
and my most amazing part of the dream would be a sensory play room and not just one I would want 2 one that was more of the gym and large movements and then the quiet room the snoezelen room
My dream kitchen would be the cherry wood.....I want lots of counter space and a island the is just the right hieght so you dont hurt your back bending over backing. and I want 2 stoves!
Otherwise now other major dreams, well maybe a soaker tub in the master bath but that is not even a major thing! Every simple for the most part other than my "play rooms"
Day 14-Some pictures you love
Day 14-Some pictures you love
just some of the photos I love.....I love my family and nature so much!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Day 13-Goals
Day 13-Goals
I have lots of goals in life, probably the first and most important goal, to learn how to sleep more.....I guess I have few more years for that one!
my personal biggest goal is to not stress about the simple and small things, to enjoy life more
( I am a worrier)
my goal is to help my kids become the best that they can become
and later when the kids are a little older I would like to go back to school and become a:
Occupational therapist!
I would also like to lose a large amount of weight and be alot healthier!
but for the most part I am not a good goal maker or keeper so I don't say much
Thursday, December 9, 2010
day 12- what you believe
This sadly is probably the hardest out this whole challenge! I have loved doing this challenge as it has made me think of my family and friends and why I do things and why I don't and who and how I am! it is amazing the things you learn about yourself and about others.
Beliefs are one of those things I have always been quiets about and I have always tried hard to respect how people feel and what they believe.
Alright. Here it goes....
I believe in living a good life. This means that I show respect to others, even if I do not agree with them. It means that I do my best to be honest, gracious, and take accountability for the choices that I make. I believe in quietly helping people around me, not for praise or glory but because they need help. I believe there is strength in family and friends and that I should show my love and appreciation for them. I believe that I should make a stand for the things I believe are right no matter what the consequences are. I will speak up for myself and be a voice for those who are unable to do so themselves. I believe that faith is a cornerstone in my life and as long as I hold on to my beliefs there is hope for tomorrow.
Beliefs are one of those things I have always been quiets about and I have always tried hard to respect how people feel and what they believe.
Alright. Here it goes....
I believe in living a good life. This means that I show respect to others, even if I do not agree with them. It means that I do my best to be honest, gracious, and take accountability for the choices that I make. I believe in quietly helping people around me, not for praise or glory but because they need help. I believe there is strength in family and friends and that I should show my love and appreciation for them. I believe that I should make a stand for the things I believe are right no matter what the consequences are. I will speak up for myself and be a voice for those who are unable to do so themselves. I believe that faith is a cornerstone in my life and as long as I hold on to my beliefs there is hope for tomorrow.
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